Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Warped Vision

We're planning our trip to Texas next week.  I am really excited because, although I am changing plans with the gorgeous Leah and her family, I get to spend New Year's Eve with my sisters.  This hasn't happened in quite some time.  My middle sister celebrates every year, and loves going all out and dressing up, and enjoying the night like many other successful DINKs do.  The party she's hosting this year has a theme, even:  Black & White.

Being a mom, living in jeans and changing into yoga pants ASAP, my wardrobe lacked some necessary oomph.  A trip to TJ Maxx was in order.  The thing I love about stores like Ross, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls is that you can try on many different types of clothing all at once, and it's kind of like a treasure hunt in the process.  I don't mind digging and looking for a diamond in the rough.  I will say, it's more fun with a friend.  There's nothing like giggling for hours in the fitting rooms at discount stores and trying on outlandish things that end up looking good.  

I took 7 items to the fitting room with me.  One was a duplicate shirt.  It was really cute, kind of a racerback sleeveless top, and the front was like a tuxedo shirt.  Very cute, but it buttoned.  That can be tricky with an ample bosom.  I grabbed a Large, thought for a moment, and grabbed the XL as well.  I also took another shirt that was a Large, a size 12 satin top, a long dress that was a Large, a shirt off the clearance rack that I thought was black (but was actually navy blue), and for grins, a size Medium dress.

In the fitting room, I tried on the XL tuxedo shirt first.  I really liked the shirt, and did NOT want to crush myself by trying on the Large and having to settle for trying on the bigger one.  Unfortunately, I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about.  It's crushing to have to resort to going up a size.  The beautiful thing was that it was too large.  MUCH too large.  I tried on the smaller of the same shirt.  It was a little too big, as well, but there was no way a smaller size would fasten.  Oh, well.  It was a no-go.

The navy blue shirt was discarded immediately.  Cute top, just not appropriate for a B&W party.  My error kind of reminded me of the day in high school when my choir teacher wore one black shoe and one navy one.  Yup, Mrs. Pierce... those colors can be downright tricky.

The size 12 satin top was white, and fit, except over my chest.  For the record, satin has no give.  The long, black dress was too long, and not quite right.  The other top I took back there was that trapeze cut that flared out a lot, and it was too big in the first place.  NOT flattering.  

The last thing I tried on?  The size Medium.  I cannot allow myself, somehow, to admit that I can wear a medium.  When I shuffle through the racks, I still find myself leaning toward the 14s and the XL sizes.  My head knows that I've lost weight.  My eyes, though, cannot see it.  My eyes are still seeing the body I had in April of this past year.  

It was amazing trying on the dress, and it fit really nicely.  I didn't purchase it, though, and I'm a little reluctant about that.  It wasn't dressy enough for the occasion, and I didn't have extra money to just be shopping for myself.  It had a really great neckline, and wasn't too clingy.  Maybe we'll meet again another time...  

I did end up going to the mall and shopping in XXI, a store that recently opened locally.  It's really nice to be able to shop in a junior's size store with the sense and modesty of an adult.  They have some fabulous things in there, but they have some things that are quite inappropriate for me.  LOL.  I ended up purchasing a sleeveless knit top that is just dressy enough without being too much.  I'm not sure whether I'll be wearing it with dark jeans or black pants just yet, but it'll look great either way.  I feel sure of it.

You can certainly expect some pictures of me and my sisters from the party.  Just have to wait a week or so.  ;)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Update on a Sunday?!

Yeah, what can I say... The new goals have me motivated.

The hubs and I did the 30 day shred tonight.  The weather cooled back down into the 40's today (yeah, it was just in the 70's 2 days ago...), and my right hip is stiff, but we did it.  I did 3 lb weights, and we went back to Level 1.  We're paying for the lethargy and sloth, but it feels good to be back in the saddle.

Yay for doing what we should!  OH!  and another good one... I have a habit of giving in anytime he asks for a snack or whatever... Well, I was in town yesterday and got some hot cocoa packets instead of soda or beer, which I'd drink a bunch of at a time.  Cocoa is an indulgence, but it's a more responsible choice.

I'm so happy for my friend, Leah, and more than a little envious... Not only does she have 17 mile long legs, a gorgeous smile, and a beautiful family, she bought some new, smaller jeans!  Yay, Leah!  You are a rock star, and you are gorgeous!  I am proud of you!  <3

Friday, December 19, 2008

Okay, now I'm ready to post...

I cannot do this without the accountability of WW online.  I can't.  I have intentions of tracking points, but without the online tools, I'm not doing it.  I had a FABULOUS routine where I'd sit and track after EVERY thing I ate.  Now it's been a month without it, and I guarantee I've gained.  Thank God my scale's battery died.  I'm sure I don't want to know.

I have a little negative, then I have some positive, so bear with me.  The 30 day Shred?  Haven't done it in over a week and a half.  My body has been hurting.  I'm struggling with day-to-day things like chores and laundry.  Not struggling as in my depression is bad again and I don't want to do anything, but physically I'm limited.  I don't know if I all ready mentioned this, but I went out for margaritas and all sorts of fried, cheesy goodness recently with two friends.  I got there first, and sat in my comfy chair.  When it was time to take pics, I really struggled to get up.  Kinda blew my cover a little bit, to say the least.  I had been trying SO hard to not let on that I felt that bad.  

I am frustrated because I have given in to my darling husband and his sweet tooth and snacking binges.  He likes to have a couple of beers on the weekends, which is fine, and he's responsible about it and all, but I CANNOT drink that stuff without paying the price on the scale.  I've noticed other physical changes with changes in my diet, and I just have to get back to doing it right.

So, like Mary, I am going to post some new goals, as mine from a while back are blown.  Maybe I should be more realistic:

I need to do the Shred video 5 days each week.  whether S does it with me or not.
Tuesday and Thursday I need to do the Shred and my Pilates video.
I have 12 weeks until my girls' getaway to NOLA.  I want to be at my goal of 165 by then.  

Those are the big ones.  I will also be using some Christmas money to get myself set back up on WW online.  I just have to do it.  It's going to be a big one-time investment (again), but if I think back over this past month, I can think of $17 that I could've NOT spent on snack food and put toward WW instead.  I'll be taking a stand for myself in that aspect.

Let's talk good things for a little while...

I woke up this past Tuesday morning at 5:30 to a sweet little face staring into mine.  "Good morning, beautiful Mommy!"  I'll tell you, that is CERTAINLY the way to start the day.  The boys have both been so encouraging to me lately, and with kids, you know whatever they say comes from the heart.  My sweetheart of a husband even stopped me in the kitchen with a hug a few days ago, and said, "Baby, I don't tell you enough, but you do such a great job around here and with the boys.  Thank you for all you do."  (Pick your jaw up.  Men are capable of doing this... I couldn't believe it, either!)

More good:

Many thanks to a fellow CG wife that offered to send me some hand-me-downs.  I don't know if she wants me to divulge her name, so I'll keep you guessing.  She sent me quite a few pairs of pants, all size 10 or around there, and a size 9 pair of jeans.  I will tell you now, that if I can wear those size 9's at some point in the next six months, I will dance a jig and post the video here.  I'm not kidding.  She also sent me a couple of adorable blazers.  I am so thankful for her generosity.  There's something quite hysterical in this situation.  I can leave my home, go shopping for hours trying on pants and tops, praying something will fit, and come home empty-handed every time.  HOWEVER, a friend that has never seen me in person, sends me a box of clothes, and they all fit.  Figure that out!  The pants were all the perfect length.  Totally cracks me up.

Don't give up on me, friends.  

Thursday, December 18, 2008

It's Thursday!

No weigh in today... my scale's battery is dead.  

I have some thoughts and gripes, but it's about time to get the big boy from school, so I'm leaving you in suspense...

Stay tuned.  ;)

Monday, December 8, 2008

We were supposed to be measuring every Monday, but that didn't happen.  The DSL connection at my house was out this weekend, and I had to survive without my blog fixes for 2.5 days.  I'm back and better than ever, though.

Here are last week's measurements, taken on 12/6/08.  (the order is original measurement, current measurement)  There are a lot of green numbers, which indicate a loss.  Yay!

Bust: 42 - 40.5
Chest: 37 - 36.75
Waist: 36 - 36
Hips: 40.5 - 39
Thighs: 24.5 (right) 23.5
Calves: 16.5 (right) 16.5
Upper arm: 14.5 (right) 14.75
Forearm: 11.5 (right) 11.5

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Today's weigh in

This past week was full of dining on a fabulous meal from Thanksgiving.  We were so lucky to have friends that prepared and delivered a great meal for us.  Our family had tossed a stomach bug back and forth for a week so we weren't able to get out and participate with our friends as planned.  Leah, P, Rochelle, and A - we thank you so much for thinking of us.  

As the week progressed, and we started feeling better, I went to the store to get groceries.  Much to my delight (though it should have been dismay) the Candy Cane Hershey's Kisses were available.  I can not tell you enough how much I love these things.  White chocolate kisses with peppermint pieces inside.  mmm.  Needless to say, I bought a bag, and have been sneaking 3 or 4 at a time.  

I've also been frustrated about my medical junk, and ate the better part of a BOX of Kraft Mac & Cheese the other day.  It is always my emotional security blanket.  It has been for a long time.  It's kind of funny that mac & cheese is my comfort food choice.  I recognized that I was being an emotional eater - and confessed it to Leah on the phone.  

So to make a long story longer, my weight today is 182.5.

Same as last week.  I didn't lose, but I didn't gain, and this week I think that's an accomplishment.  

Stuart is going to take my measurements tonight to see how the Shred is working.  Because of my joint pain we're alternating the Shred and pilates.  The Pilates is a nice break to lengthen my muscles and really take time to stretch.

BTW, my lab results were normal, so I see a rheumatologist in a few weeks for more testing.  The good news is that I don't have Lupus, the frustrating news is that I still don't know what's wrong.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Progress Slideshow

Wow.  That's about all I can say.  This slideshow is a compilation of pics from April to now.  I still have a long way to go, but I have come quite a way, too.  I have to encourage myself with that.

I am having a hard time waiting for the results from my recent medical testing.  I'm feeling really badly, and I'm trying to just make it through the day.  I'm trying to do the Shred at least 3 days a week.  My joints are really inflamed, and I'm waiting on lab results to have the exact diagnosis.  I did do Pilates last night, which felt great.  If I can just keep moving and challenging my body, I'll be all right.

I have to tone up my arms and I have to get this fat off my belly.  I find myself focusing on these two areas instead of giving myself credit for how far I've come.  Oh, and looking at these pictures makes me gasp.  I can and will do this.  I will.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Roni's Contest Entry

I entered the Mary Lou's Weigh Platform Giveaway!

Check out Roni’s Weight Loss Blog for more information.

and if you readers haven't checked out Roni's site (different than our Roni ;) ) I encourage you to do so! She has lots of great BTDT advice, and has a site for recipes at Green Lite Bites!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Ugh. Not a good day.

From that title, I'm sure you think I gained or something.  Nope.  My weigh in today is 182.5.  I'm down another half pound.  27 lbs total.

Here's what I don't get.  I really don't like me right now.  I don't know why.  I hate looking at pictures of myself.  I hate looking in the mirror.  I took pictures today for a friend and you can see the pain in my face.  

Granted, I've been under the weather this week, so my energy level is shot.  Here's the thing, though... I feel like I'm digging all the time for compliments from the person that I crave them from the most.  I mean, damn.  I've lost 27 lbs in the last 6 mos.   This stems from, not the fact that my husband is insensitive, but that I am not happy with me.

Those of you that have undergone this transformation - What do you do?  How do you keep your chin up?  Gah.  My chin... 

The irony is that I named this blog "Double Chin to Healthy Again" and my chin won't go away.  I am SO sad about that.  I'm so discouraged.

So today is Thanksgiving and I'm miserable.  I am thankful for my friends and family, and thankful that God provides for us day in and day out.

I just have to figure out how to be thankful for me today.  I'm struggling with that one.


...and to think, I thought I was smiling in this pic. These eyes don't hide anything.

Monday, November 24, 2008

30 Day Shred - Official Day 1

Let's bring y'all up to speed a little bit.  Things have been going well, and I seem to have busted through the plateau that I had reached.  I have been dealing with symptoms of something that seems like fibromyalgia or some sort of chronic fatigue related issue.  I am noticing a lot of sagging and softness in my body, and realize that I need to work on toning.  I refuse to let my physical tiredness keep me down completely.  I am being smart about not pushing my limits.  I posted before about the 30 Day Shred, and skipped about 4 days with my sister here.  It's time to get going on it. 

Because of the holidays and some extenuating circumstances, I had to cancel my WW subscription, but am hoping to be able to continue to stay on track at home on my own.  It's going to be hard, and I'm going to rely on your support and nagging, if necessary.  I started the Shred again today, and took some measurements to keep track of my progress.  A very wise friend told me not to beat myself up if I start gaining a little before I lose with it.  30 days from today will be Christmas Eve.  What better gift to give myself than my own health?

From About.com, here are my measurements to track:
  • Bust: Measure around the chest right at the nipple line, but don't pull the tape too tight.
  • Chest: Measure just under your bust
  • Waist: Measure a half-inch above your belly button or at the smallest part of your waist
  • Hips: Place tape measure around the biggest part of your hips
  • Thighs: Measure around the biggest part of each thigh
  • Calves: Measure around the largest part of each calf
  • Upper arm: Measure around the largest part of each arm above the elbow
  • Forearm: Measure around the largest part of the arm below the elbow.
Bust: 42
Chest: 37
Waist: 36
Hips: 40.5
Thighs: 24.5 (right)
Calves: 16.5 (right)
Upper arm: 14.5 (right)
Forearm: 11.5 (right)

I'll track measurements on Mondays, and have Stuart measure for me.  Stay tuned!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

what a week!

Let's say this week has been hectic!  Sick kids - again - and the return of my love!  I was devastated after the realization that my planned dress didn't work, and was concerned that I didn't have the funds to find something else.  I happened to find something pretty fabulous at Ross for $13~  Not too shabby!  It certainly flattered my legs!
Let's just say that the dress had the intended effect.  My husband was crazy about it, and we were so happy to be reunited after a Hellish month.  

I also started a new workout in addition to my pilates - Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred.  Oh.  Wow.  Faint of heart do NOT attempt.  It is TOUGH.  Really tough.  After the first two days, I could not bear for my children to touch my arms or legs.  It was painful.  I have no doubt that I am gaining muscle from this video, and I will be toning up and strengthening these muscles.  Since my husband will be home for a while, he's doing it with me, and I couldn't be happier.

Today's weight was 183.0.  I'm down .5 lb.  It's still a loss, but it's the smallest difference in a while.  I've got the challenges of family visiting, my son's birthday, my husband being home, and Thanksgiving staring me in the face in the coming days.  Yee Haw.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Weighing in - 11/14

Today's weight is 183.5.  I am down one pound from last week's weight.

I'm a little disappointed, but a pound is a pound, and I need to be proud of myself for continuing to lose.  I am encouraged that I have had a LOT of stress lately, but I haven't fallen off the deep end.  It would sure be easy to dive into macaroni and cheese and pizza, though.  (Hence why I have neither of those items in my home.)

I might be at 182.5 when S gets home, and that's okay.  I might be at 183.5 still when he gets home, and that's okay, too.  I'm noticing changes in my clothes again, and that's nice.

...and because you might need a laugh today, here's a little confession.  My dress that I thought fit like a dream?  Well, the reality is that I was so stoked that a 12 came in the mail and wasn't skin tight or impossible to wear, that it fit like a dream.  I couldn't quite find my waist swimming in that thing, so I bought a belt (size M, I might add).  Even with the belt things didn't feel quite right.  

I consulted Roni, my partner in this whole weight loss/healthier living thing, and she laughed her butt off at me and said that the dress was too big!  LOL!

I had no idea.  So, for your viewing pleasure, here is my too-big dress.  Now I have nothing super special to wear at the boat's homecoming, but that's all right.  I think he'll just be happy to see me.  

Thursday, November 13, 2008

It's Thursday?

Man, with no school on Tuesday this week, I'm thrown completely off.

I forgot to weigh in today, so I'll get it tomorrow.  Sorry.  I'm ready for my brain to function again.  When does pregnancy brain go away?  It's been almost 3 years!  LOL!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

A Saturday evening victory

I'm sitting on the sofa right now, exhausted.  Whatever is going on with my body makes my limbs feel like I have the flu or something.  I have no energy, it seems.  I'm not going to whine, even though I just typed out a miserable little ditty and erased it.  No need to dwell on not feeling well.  I have good news to report!

I believe I have mentioned this Pilates DVD before, but it certainly bears mentioning again!  What I love about this particular workout is that there are 5, 10-minute workouts that 
you can customize.  It is a RARE day that I have 50 minutes at a time to work out, but being able to choose focus areas for a 30 minute work out is so nice!  Also, it comes with 2 resistance bands, which I really prefer to free weights, especially right now.  The bands make it easier to maintain form, and I believe they are safer on my joints than trying to throw around free weights like with some of my workout DVDs.  

I try to do the Pilates for Abs section at least 3 times a week.  I have really been working on strengthening this portion of my body for a long time.  Having 4 abdominal surgeries in as many years was really tough on my abdominal wall.  My lower abdominals are pathetic.  This section is really tough, and there are parts that I just kind of pretend to be able to do.  Tonight, even though I'm feeling rough, I decided to push through and really try.  

One of the positions is lying on your back with your knees bent.  From this position you are supposed to sit up and do this.  Gracefully and in one smooth movement:

I did it!!!!  I really did it!  My abs were burning, but I did it.  I am finally gaining some strength, and I'm so proud of myself.  


I feel like I've been MIA so long that I should re-introduce myself!

I'm still here! I'm really not sure what to say other than I'm starting back at square one. I kinda feel like I subconsciously prioritized my "battles", and this got pushed to the back of the list.

Anyways, I'm back and so is my drive and focus.

I want to be in a 12 by Christmas, that's my new goal. Amber's been showing me some CUUUTE clothes on these websites, and I'm dying to be able to fit in to them. Not to mention, the wardrobe I already have in my closet!

It feels like my TTC "battle", weight "battle" and all the 100 other things got too overwhelming.
I'm taking a serious break from TTC. Too much emotionally came with that journey and I need a mental breather before starting back up again.

So, right now
*purging all the crap in my house
* mental health, I'm going to ask my doctor about Zoloft - anyone know anything about it??

These are 3 things that I can do in moderation that won't overstimulate me. And, they'll benefit me in the long run. I have SO much in my house that needs to GOOOOOO. My weight needs to go down, and I need to address the anxiety I've had since moving to Mississippi that I couldn't take medication for while TTC.

This kinda got off track from being just about weight loss - I just wanted you all to know that I'm still here!!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Thursday weigh In - 11/6

I'm cutting to the chase on this one...

This week's loss is a milestone for me.  
I lost 3.0 lbs this week, and my current weight is 184.5.

I have now lost 25 lbs!  

In other news, my dress came in.  Let me tell you, to order a size 12 dress was nerve wracking for me.  I was so afraid it wouldn't fit.  Not only did it fit, but it fits beautifully.  The grey is the perfect color, and my patent red slingbacks look fantastic with it.  I know you're going to ask for pictures, but the ones I have are all crooked and I have no makeup.  My 5 year old isn't very skilled with the camera.  LOL!  I will get a pic when I wear it to go pick up my man, though.  I'm gonna be DECKED OUT.  I cannot wait.

Gotta get the big kid ready for school, and the little kid is quite fussy this morning.  I have my work cut out for me!

Oh, and I still have 2 weigh-ins before my sweetie pie comes home.  My goal was 182 before he got home, but I'm really hoping to see 180 or 180.5.  Wouldn't that be SWEET?  

Sunday, November 2, 2008

What 10% Means

I achieved my 10% loss this past week, and said I'd fill you in on what that means.  Direct from WW's site:

A Healthier Heart
By losing just 10 percent of your body weight, you can lower your cholesterol and reduce your blood pressure, says G. Ken Goodrick, PhD, psychologist and associate professor of medicine at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas. High cholesterol and elevated blood pressure are two major risk factors for heart disease.

Lower Risk of Type 2 Diabetes
If you're overweight, you're at increased risk for type 2 diabetes, which mea
ns your body can't make enough, or properly use, insulin, a hormone that helps convert food to usable energy. By losing just 10 percent of your body weight, you'll improve your body's ability to use the insulin it makes, possibly preventing the onset of the disease, Miller-Kovach says. If you already have type 2 diabetes, shedding that 10 percent may improve your symptoms and possibly prevent complications, she adds.

More Pep
"Just a 10 percent weight loss increases feelings of vigor and vitality," says Miller-
Kovach. "You'll feel better and have more energy."

A Mental Edge
Losing 10 percent can give you the self-confidence and motivation you need to keep going. "Success builds on success," says Miller-Kovach. But be sure you recognize it. "Losing 10 percent is a milestone in the journey," says Miller-Kovach. "Once you get there, take the time to congratulate yourself on your efforts."

Reality Check
After losing 10 percent, you gain a sense of what it will take to lose the rest and reach your final goal weight. "It gives you a context in terms of saying, 'Am I willing
 to put in that much more effort to lose even more weight?'" Miller-Kovach says. If the answer is no, that's okay. "Some people only lose 10 percent and that's it," says Goodrick. If that's you, pat yourself on the back. "Health-wise, a 10-percent weight
 loss is a great achievement," Goodrick says.

In other news, and because I cannot contain myself:

For some reason, on Friday, I wondered whether I could fit into my husband's blue jeans.  He's out of town, so I didn't have to worry about being embarrassed when I had 5 more inches to go before could pull them up.  

Little did I know, I COULD pull them up.  I then fastened and zipped them.  It wasn't pretty.  I had the muffin top from Hell.  The important thing to me was that I put those bad boys on.  My husband has a 30 inch waist.  (I know, right?  Jerk.)  In all the years that he and I have been together (It'll be 14 years in January), I have NEVER been able to pull up a 30 waist pair of mens' pants.  When I was a freshman or sophomore I think my hips just weren't right, because I had tried on some men's pants, and I know I was 20 lbs lighter then than I am now.  

I digress.  I'm rambling.  Here are the pics.  :)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Quickie - Weigh In 10/30

Back on the horse, and the losin's good!

Today's weigh in is an important one.  I have now lost 10% of my original body weight.  I'll post later about what that means, but I've gotta get the kids ready to get out this morning...

Today's number is 187.5!  It's a 2 lb loss from last week.

I am really hoping to be at 182 by the time Stuart comes home.  I know I can.  We're not even halfway into the patrol, so I have time to do it safely.  I'm ordering a BEAUTIFUL dress to wear to pick him up.  

Started jogging a little this week, and did 30 minutes of pilates last night.  The pilates was GREAT!  AAAAAND, I was able to do the thing where you lay flat on your back and roll up to sitting (like my technical knowledge?).  I couldn't do it before, though, and I totally did last night!  WOO HOO!

Have a great day!  

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I realized

I've been thinking since my weigh in on Thursday about the journey.  This journey.  Becoming healthier is so important to me.  Realizing that food is FOOD and doesn't have control over me, my thoughts, or life... Recognizing the magnitude of making good choices and being aware of what I'm putting in my mouth...

So much of this has NOT been about the number on the scale.  Of course, there is a big part that IS about that number.  I've been so worried about the changes and putting my energy into DOING IT that I hadn't thought about being in the 180s means to me.

When I was in high school, I weighed 165 in 10th grade.  I wore a size 8.  I was curvy, and not the stick that the cheerleaders and drill team members were.  Of course I gave myself a hard time about it.  My parents didn't have the money to buy me clothes that fit properly, so I wore ill-fitting hand me downs from my 30-something aunts, went to the Goodwill with my grandmother, or wore Chic jeans from K Mart.  (wanna talk about some MOM jeans?  EW!)  

Tenth grade was also the end of my parents' marriage.  They were separated, and in the beginning of my 11th grade year the divorce was finalized.  To say it was ugly is an understatement.  My mom started dating immediately and remarried by February.  At that point I had all ready started gaining, but I have no idea what I weighed.  Stuart was away at college, my family had fallen apart, and I was depressed.  I didn't really have friends... I had people that I spoke to in class, I was able to laugh with them in English or whatever, but I didn't have someone to hang out with, or someone to really confide in.  That's mostly my fault, but it's moot at this point.  I spent my weekends locked in my room so that I wouldn't have to see what was going on in my house.  

By the time I graduated high school, I weighed over 200 lbs.  I wore a size 16 dress to graduation.  Thinking back, I am angry that no one in my family cared enough to take me shopping for a new dress or tried to help me see some value in myself.  I had stretch marks on my lower stomach from gaining so much weight so rapidly.  I was ashamed of my body.  Ashamed of myself.  

After being out of school for 10 years, there is only one person that I've kept in touch with.  I'm not good enough at keeping in touch, but she's good about calling me every now and again and we pick up right where we left off.  M, I know you're going to read this.  I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend then.  I didn't know how to really be a friend.  I didn't even like myself, so it was hard to know how to be a friend to someone else.  You know parts of what life was like for me as a kid, and I know you know how hard I'm working as an adult to change my future and the future of my kids from being like that.  I felt so alone, and felt like I didn't deserve - well, anything.  I am working now really hard on self-worth and taking care of me.

SO the long and longer of this is that I realized something this week:

No matter what my goal weight is, no matter what my maintenance weight number is, I am healthier right now - in a lot of ways - than in high school.  How's that for a revelation?

Even more is this:

After high school, a lot more happened, and I ended up living with my grandparents.  It's beyond being a long story.  I tried to take care of myself, and lost a lot of weight.  I was down to 172, and wearing a size 10/12.  That is what I weighed when I got married 172-175.  I am almost there.  It is within reach.  I felt SO GOOD about myself then.  

My poor body has been through so much.  All of this that's been mentioned plus having 2 kids via C-section, then having a hysterectomy at 26.  My skin is stretched and scarred, and my muscles need some strengthening and toning.  It's about time I take care of myself.  

It's about time.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Thursday Weigh In - 10/23

Weighing in today at 189.5.  Glad to still be under 190.

I have been tracking like a maniac since my husband got underway.  It is SO much easier with him gone.  I had been eating so much, and so many bad things, that this last week has been a little rough.  I had to get over the cravings for snacking all day, remember that I was bored most of the time, not hungry, and really concentrate on what I was putting in my mouth and why.

I have a lot of changes coming up soon!  I'll be starting school next month.  Can you even believe it?  I know...me, either!  Working on some big "interweb" projects, as well.  

OH, and I got a phone call last week to ask if we were driving to TX for Thanksgiving.  For a lot of reasons, we are not.  My fabulous husband wants us to have a healthy Thanksgiving at home.  I am SO grateful for that.  I'm looking into recipes now.  The biggest challenge for me?  Sweet Potato Casserole.  Not the stuff with marshmallows on top.  I love the kind with the pecan streusel adorning the fluffy, soft, sweet potatoes.  

Since we're not going 'home', though, my sister and her husband will be coming the weekend before to visit.  This is a PRIME time for me to start working hard on toning up.  My sister, the size 4, is someone that I tend to envy.  (That's another therapy session there, though...)  It is my goal to show her what I'm made of.  I don't mean losing weight for her, I mean losing weight so that I don't feel so self-conscious and awkward around her.  

Tanoi and Barb, watch out!  I'm back on track and lookin' to lose!  :p


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Weigh in day! 10/16

Well, I can say that I'm not at the point I hoped to be at this point, but that's all right.

My weigh-in today was 189.5!  I'm SO glad to be back on track and seeing the number under 190.  

In other news, I bought a new pair of jeans at Kohl's Tuesday night.  I was so excited to see Levi's on clearance for $11.99.  Even more excited to be able to purchase a size 10!  I have one other pair of pants that are a 10, but they are a drawstring waist, so to me that doesn't really count.  Jeans, on the other hand...  I am elated.

I was out of town last week.  Thanks to those of you that checked in on me and left me words of encouragement.  It was nice to see my friends in CA again.  It was also nice to see their reaction to my physical changes.  It really reinforced to me how much work I have done, and how much I still have to do.  

My husband will be out of town soon and I'm really hoping to tone up and surprise the mess out of him when he gets home.  I'm noticing that I'm getting smaller in a lot of places, but I have no muscle tone.  I have plenty of tools around the house, but I'm not making time to use them.  I'll be working on that in the coming weeks.  

Thanks for your support, and for continuing to encourage and follow me.

Here's a question for those of you who are losing or have lost:

What kind of shirts/tops/blouses do you wear that are flattering?  I am having the hardest time finding things that look nice!  I don't like to see lumpy bumpy tummy under my shirts, and going up a size means that I swim in them.  Wearing empire waisted tops can be okay at times, but other times I look pregnant.  It's frustrating, and makes me wish that I lived in a cooler climate so I could hide under a sweater for the next few months.  

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Thursday is weigh in day!

Haven't done this faithfully lately.

Today's weigh in was 191.  I've gained 1.5 lbs since my last weigh in.  I'm not discouraged, but moving forward.

I am leaving soon for a trip out west.  I am looking forward to the break and hoping to come back refreshed.

Thanks for all of you for following me.  I will update more soon.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I'm a gutless flip flopper!

Recognize this face?  This is Runt, from Disney's Chicken Little.  We love this movie around here.  The kids have the soundtrack and it's often heard playing in my little mom-mobile.  I love and can appreciate the story and the struggle that Chicken Little endures not being able to effectively communicate with his father.  That's a little deep, but it is what it is.

Runt has a fantastic line in the film.  He's not a real strong guy emotionally, and goes along with what everyone else says.  The line is:  "I'm a gutless flip flopper!"  (though I could go with quite a few of his lines... "Just leave me some ammo, a little water... some chips if you have 'em...", "darn these genetically tiny legs", etc.)

Argh.  I tell myself I'm going to do better.  I have a goal-making meeting with my husband and unload all the yuck in my soul on to him.  We both vow to get back on track with things, and disaster strikes.  Hurricane Ike hit my hometown.  Most of my family didn't evacuate, but my baby sister and her boyfriend did, thankfully.  They came here, and we were able to visit.  The homes of our family members were spared, but the communities in Southeast Texas have a lot of rebuilding in the immediate future.

Now, all of my family knows that I'm on Weight Watchers.  My parents, sisters, grandparents - they all know.  However, when they are here, there is NO mind paid to that.  Sure, they're proud that my butt is smaller, my face is more defined, my tummy doesn't stick out AS far, but no respect or concern is shown to my decision to eat healthier.  Instead of rocking the boat, I go along with them, eating fried seafood, BBQ, and all sorts of unhealthy bad choices.  

As I was saying, my sister was here, then after she left, my dad came.  The power took a week to be restored in his home - longer in many other areas - and he wanted a place to stay with running water and electricity.  Who could blame him?  He made a really yummy dinner one night... it was spaghetti with (no exaggeration) pepperoni, italian sausage, ground turkey, ground pork, tomato sauce and whole wheat pasta.  I suppose the whole wheat pasta is to try to soak up some of the grease in all that meat, but who knows.  I was SO sick after I ate it - not because it was bad, but because it was bad for me.  My body didn't want any part of it.  

I know for a fact that if I'd spoken up and stood my ground, they would've shown respect.  Most people will.  It's not about me pushing what I'm doing on other people, and I need to realize that.  It's about me doing what's healthy for ME.  So, as often happens after a period of unhealthy eating, I started beating myself up about it.  

Then, it happened.  One of my WORST fears was realized.  

Chase said, "Mom, you're so FAT!"

My spirit was crushed, and I thought at first that there was no way he knew what that meant.  We don't ever talk about people being fat, I don't say that I feel fat, etc.  

I said, "Son, do you even know what that means?"

"Yeah!  You're really fat... like a PIG!"

I explained to him in as many words as I could muster without being tearful that what he said was hurtful, and I didn't appreciate it.  I then texted the conversation to my husband, who was able to explain things to Chase a little better when he got home from work, without emotion tied in.  

I was hurt for one, because I've lost 20 pounds.  I'm not as fat as I was, for crying out loud!  Two, I was hurt because I knew that I hadn't been taking good care of myself in the last couple of months, and I hadn't been following the plan and counting points.  Mostly, I was hurt because I feel like I'm letting him down.  My parents have both always been overweight.  I can remember trying to explain to one of the neighborhood girls that my mom was NOT going to have a baby, her belly was just like that.  I'm not saying that if you have an overweight family member you should be ashamed of them.  What I'm saying is that I don't want that to be a reason that my children are ashamed of me.  

The taunting, laughing, and name calling that Chase showed me in those few minutes was so incredibly hurtful to me.  I know that he, as a five year old, would not maliciously say those things to hurt me, but it was certainly a wake up call, and a reason to put my perspective and complacent attitude into check.

I have to work on being healthy for me in the company of others.  After my mom and grandmother came, Stuart came home, Ashley and her boyfriend came, and my dad visited.  This was all in the span of about 6 or 8 weeks.  My life has been a roller coaster ride.  It's not been living for me, taking care of me anymore, but gutlessly flip flopping and doing what won't rock the boat with those I'm around.

I haven't done an official weigh in for the past couple of weeks.  I'll weigh in on Thursday and give you guys the number.  If you don't see a post here, call me out on it.  I need it.  I need help to get back on track... 

It all boils down to me being willing to fight for me, though.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Digging Myself Out

Okay, so after my VERY down-in-the-dumps post the other day, I had a long sit down with my amazing husband. I am SO fortunate to be married to a man that "gets" me. I had concerns, doubts, and lots of negative emotions that I needed to get out. He received it all very well, and didn't take anything personally. I am so thankful that our talk went the way it did.

The end result was amazing. My husband insisted that when he's home I get 2 hours to myself a day. (Personally, I think that's a good goal, and I'll probably end up with 1, but still...) We'll be adjusting the budget so that I can try to catch a movie with a girlfriend every now and again, and we're going to plan on a date night once a month. Nothing extravagant, but time for us to reconnect. Having him on a boat and away from home so much has been such a life-changing event for our family. I say all the time that we are a team, and it's really true. I am able to function while he's gone. I do most of what I need to do, and manage a little sleep now and again. When he's home, though, it's just so different.

I digress...

The other portion of our meeting was me setting goals. These goal run the gamut from weight loss goals to chores. I know it may seem silly to make a chore/task sheet for an adult, but when I get depressed and withdraw, I need to completely refocus.

So, in case there are others in the same boat as me, I am willing to share my task and goal sheet. I am a little obsessed with vintage pinups, as you can see. Hopefully you'll be able to click to enlarge the pic to see it.

In other news, we've been more active as a family, and I weighed this morning just to see exactly where I am. I'm at 189.5, which is where I left off when my mom and grandmother were here. I'm back on track, so watch out!

Saturday, September 6, 2008


Health is just as much a mental and emotional condition as it is physical.  I'm not really feeling healthy in either realm lately.

So, Becca, here's the cold, hard truth.

My mom and grandmother came about, what, 5 weeks ago?  Maybe 6?  The first days they were here I was a counting fool.  Then, I gave into their, "oh, come on" and "you have to live a little, and you only live once!"  Yeah.  So by the end of their visit, I hadn't counted points in a couple days.

I still haven't counted points for a whole day since.  It's heartbreaking.

In the midst of that, I don't know really what else has happened.  Perhaps it all goes hand-in-hand.  Emotionally, I was feeling FANTASTIC when I was eating well.  Not so much always feeling good about myself, but not moping and miserable.

The last few weeks have been hard.  I'm wallowing.  There is a nice pit here filled with loneliness, sadness, and indifference.  I'm so incredibly sad.  Truthfully.  I don't know if I need to get into the doctor and see about adjusting my Effexor, or what, but I'm having a hard time coping.  I do have triggers, though.  I have very real stressors in my life right now.  Another common denominator is money.  It's expensive trying to live on the economy here.  Produce is expensive, meat is ridiculous, not to mention milk and eggs.  That's not an excuse, it's a fact.  

You girls that know me pretty well know that for me to deal with things, I have to dump 'em all out there; sorry about that.  

I am not loving me much at all.  I told Roni on the phone last night that it's strange that I have so many friends that confide in me.  I told her I look a lot better on the computer screen.  I don't feel like I deserve things right now.  Please don't judge me, or think that I'm being overly dramatic.  I'm actually being brutally honest.  I don't have the energy lately to care about keeping tabs on the house.  I have been making bad food choices.  Very bad.  I'm not really eating out, but when Stuart comes home, so do sodas, candy, chips, and all the crap I wouldn't normally have in the house.  Since it's here, I'm eating it.  I am.  My face is broken out like crazy.  I have bags under my eyes from not sleeping well.  I have no energy at all.  

I haven't worked out in over a week.  I need to.  I miss it.  I just don't know how to do it.  It boils down to the fact that I just HAVE to do it.  I'm not entirely sure how, but I do.  

Thank you, friends, for not giving up on me.  The good news is I haven't gained an extravagant amount of weight.  I did, at my last weigh in, gain 1.5 lbs.  

I need some prayer, and I need some change.  Most of all, I need for me to get on the ball and get on my team.  I'm going to be making myself an outline with chores and kind of a timeline for the school days.  I will do it to pull myself out.  I don't like the me I am today.  I don't like the mom I'm being...uninvolved and withdrawn.  

Onward to health.  The search for me continues...

Saturday, August 23, 2008


The view is not so spectacular.  I have been at 189.5 - 190.5 for the last few weeks.  Ugh.  Gotta find a new something to add/change.  I'll be incorporating some more strenuous workouts, emphasizing my cardio, and really working on drinking more.  

Keep pushing me.  This plateau is really getting me down.  I'm not going to give up, even though I'd love to.  I've got a size 8 bathing suit to get into, after all!  

Friday, August 15, 2008


see more dog pictures

Friday, August 8, 2008

My New Diet!!!!!!

Seefood diet!! I'm sure you've heard of it, it's the diet where you See Food, and you eat it...
Ah ha ha, I'm so funny.
I've been doing so well, but the past five days I've sucked. I think I caught it from Amber *cough cough*. No, really I think it's the damn Clomid. I'm trying to minimize the excuses I tell myself... but really, I think that's what my struggle has been. I want to eat bad, bad things. And I do.. because I'm so damn crabby that it's the only thing that's keeping me sane.

Last night was my last night of this Devil drug, so hopefully things will be smoother here on out.

PS, I'm up 2#


Thursday, August 7, 2008

*crickets chirping*

Notice I hadn't posted in a while?

*hangs head*

I fell off the wagon.  Completely.  I didn't count points for almost 3 weeks.  In the madness I gained a few pounds and refused to weigh-in.  I didn't want to admit defeat.  I didn't want to face the fact that I'd been lazy and reverted to the old unhealthy me.

I'm glad to report, though, that I'm back on track, even with a loss!

Today's weigh-in is 189.5.  It's official.  I have lost 20 lbs.

I've been battling my beast of depression, low self-esteem, and pathetic self-worth.  I'm coming out of that, and trying to appreciate the me that others keep telling me they see.

Thank you, my friends, for lifting me up when I'm down.

Saturday, July 26, 2008


Here are the latest in my series of pics of my progress.  Yay for seeing a difference in my tummy!   The first pics were taken when I first started WW, the second is from 6/9 and the final pic in each set is from today.  

I've gotta get back on track and determined again.  I wanna keep seeing progress like this!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Didn't post yesterday...

Okay, so yesterday was weigh-in day.  To tell the truth, I was hoping if I held out until today, I'd have a better number to post.  Oh, well.

I weighed in at 190.5.  No change.

I can't help but be disappointed, even though I know I wasn't following my plan for the most part last week.  My mom and grandmother were in town, we were doing a lot of running around, and Nanny made tea cakes.  Um, can you say 2 sticks of butter?  Yeah.  The good thing is that I haven't eaten any since they left.  I'm trying to save them for Stuart.  <3

I was SO hoping to be down 20 lbs when he came home, but alas, I guess I should've kept working hard instead of slacking off.  I have started back with my DVDs for pilates and dancing.  I've been missing that.

I got my bathing suits in the mail, BTW.  I got a great one for now, and the one for later.  The one for later is going to be SO great!  I can all ready put it on, but it doesn't fit.  (KWIM?)  

Thanks for the e-mails, private messages, and comments.  This accountability means everything to me!

Now, please pray I don't blow it when Stuart gets home.  ;)

*my diet, I mean...  :blushes:

Monday, July 21, 2008

Shut Right On UP!

Guess what I bought yesterday?

no, really... guess!

Okay, I'll tell you...

a pair of size 10 pants!  That FIT!  

I know!  I can't believe it, either!  I didn't even try them on.  I just grabbed 'em off the rack and brought 'em home.  =D  I am thrilled beyond all belief!  If I could be in an 8 by Christmas, I'll have met my goal in 7 months.  As it stands, I haven't worn a 10 since 2000.  

I'm still needing a 12 in most pants, but this 10 really made my day!

Keep encouraging me, please!  I've gotta keep this up!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

This one's gonna be short and sweet

Weigh in today:  190.5.  

I'm down 1 pound this week for 19 total.  I'm really excited.  I've got my mom and Nanny on their way as I type to visit for a few days.  I'm hoping I'll be able to keep everything under control and not gain.  I'd really like to see 189.5 by the time Stuart gets home.

Thanks for your support.  Please keep checking on me.  This accountability helps so much.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008


So, tonight I made a decision and went ahead and ordered 10 Minute Trainer.
It should be here in 5-7 days, and I'm excited. I need a little something to get me motivated, and spice things up. This seems like a good program, it doesn't promise that you get to sit and do nothing while melting away the pounds. It's a workout program, and I think it looks pretty good.
I feel like I need to up my physical activity - maybe that will release those feely-good hormones and give me the little boost I need :)
I haven't talked to anyone that's tried it yet, so I guess I'm the guinea pig for the job!

I'll give you all a full report when it comes in and I try it out. It looks challenging yet do-able at the same time :)

I'm gonna give the REAL Malibu Barbie a run for her flippin money!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


So, having an alright week this week. I had a rotten day yesterday (blah!).
But I had a good conversation with a great friend last night and we got on the subject of I just kinda feel like I'm frazzled and stressed out and I'm wondering if I should get my unhappy ass on some anti-depressants. I think it's tying in to the beating myself up when I don't do as well as I'm expecting myself do to on this "change" in my life and eating habits.
It would normally be a simple thing, but with TTC I don't want to put myself on those kinds of pills only to yank myself off of them when (if?) I get pregnant.
My friend brought up the advice of taking a vitamin, with a b complex in it. I've seen some vitamins that are helpful in weightloss on tv - so I think I'm going to pick 'em up and see if I can't get this little black cloud to stop following me around! Man, it's so draining!
I know that change is usually a good thing, but I'm trying to change the way I eat. Trying to change the way I clean house. Trying to change my surroundings (IE - PCS!), trying to change my fertility issues ... and I think I'm just on a bit of an overload.
Hopefully this vitamin will be JUST the little boost that I need!

I'm happy to report that I'm fitting VERY nicely in to my 14's. I was a 16 previously. I haven't noticed a change in my shirt sizes, and I didn't really expect to. I think with my bust, I'm always going to be at least a large in shirts.
When I get back in 12's I will be pre-baby size, and that to me will be absolutely amazing! Every size down after that will just be icing on the damn cake :)

NSV - Non-Scale Victory!

Yesterday I was wandering around Target with Logan.  Chase is at morning activities this week, and I had some time to kill.  I wandered by the racks of clearance clothes and spotted a really cute dress.  I didn't have time to go try it on and all of that, so I picked up a size Large and brought it home.

Much to my surprise, when I tried it on, it was TOO BIG!  Woooo Hoooo!  Makes me feel SO good.  Really, it does.  I mean, the last time I've needed a size medium in something was...well, I don't even remember.  LOL!

In other shopping news...

I ordered my goal swimsuit last night.  It's on clearance and an EXCELLENT price.  Beyond excellent, really.  After much deliberation about the size to order, I selected - get this - a size 8!  I'm in a 12 now, and I still have at least 25 lbs to go.  I cannot believe that I might actually wear an 8 after the first of the year.  

Look out world.  I finally care about myself.  I'm taking care of myself.

...and, by golly, I'm gonna look great soon!

Friday, July 11, 2008


Amber's smokin' me man! But I'm gonna catch up :D
My weight this week is at a stall. I was kind of surprised because last week I lost a tad over 3 pounds, I think it had a lot to do with being sick, but I'll still take it baby!
I had to eat some "heavier" foods because the meds we're messing up my tummy. I'm thinking that's what did me in, plus I used all my extra points for this week because of it.

On a fun note, a few weeks back I found a pair of old - ok, they are from high school- jeans of mine, and I thought about how great it would be to fit back in to them.
It also led in to how I thought I was "so fat" back then. I really had it in my mind that I was a "fat" then, as I am now. How I'm looking now, is how I perceived myself to look then.
Gawd, if I could only go back in time and smack myself across the face! For me to be a size 11 and have the larger bust even back then - I looked DAMN good.

I'm gonna post up a picture so you can laugh at the jeans - they have rhinestones on the rear pockets, and are "so 90's" LOL. But I'm tellin' ya'll, if I can get my ass back in to them, I'm gonna strut around like a prize peacock :)

'Like a rhinestone cowboy...'

So, my two biggest motivations right now are:
1. The possibility of going "home" this upcoming transfer season (09). I absolutely CANNOT go "home" looking the way that I do.
Plus, I want to shut my 'hundred pounds soaking wet' mother up for GOOD.
2. I'm gonna rock those jeans if it KILLS me! ;)

I'm contemplating ordering 10minutetrainer - anyone use it before? good/bad?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Thursday means weigh in day!!!

This week I discovered something evil.  I had the ingredients to make a loaf of banana bread.  I had 4 bananas that were ripe, and I had to do something with them.  I couldn't think of anything to do!  I ended up modifying a recipe I found on the back of a flour bag.  

In all, it wasn't BAD... I used the heart healthy Bisquick because I didn't have enough flour here to use.  I was supposed to put yogurt in it, but didn't have any besides strawberry banana.  LOL!  Instead, I used sugar free, fat free vanilla pudding.  Walnuts would've made it perfect - and more points.  As it was, it ended up like 6 points a slice.  I am so thankful for the recipe builder on the WW site.  It is so easy to use!  Incredibly easy.  

I'm still having my stress-induced carb cravings.  I'm giving in just enough, but not too much.  I'm on stress overload.  I've got one son full-force in the terrible twos.  I mean, REALLY.  The other is starting to really miss Daddy, and is getting ready to start school.  I miss Stuart, too, on top of money being ... well, tight is putting it mildly.  

In the midst of it all, and with a screaming two year old in my lap, I am happy to report that today's weigh-in is:

191.5  Down 2 pounds this week; 18 since May 1!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Thursday Weigh in... dum dum duuuuuuuuum...

I lamented yesterday that the stress has been making me want to eat.  Now I'm ready for my full confession.  On Monday, I ate Taco Bell for lunch and a pint of Haagen Dazs before bed.  I'm not proud of myself, and it didn't make me feel any better.  Mostly bloated and tore up my tummy.  That was a bad enough price to pay, but I've been worried about today's weigh in since then.

This morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom and stripped down to my skivvies, like every Thursday.  I hadn't completely woken up yet.  I stepped on the scale, ready to kick myself in the behind, and encourage myself to do better this week.  I looked down and had to rub my eyes.  

At first, I thought the number said 198.5.  I was devastated.  Then I couldn't figure out how I'd gained that much this week.  Oh, remember I didn't have my glasses on...  Anyhow, upon closer inspection, the number was, in fact:

193.5  Heck yes!

I don't know how it's happened, but I'm so thankful to be down another 2 lbs.  I'm thankful that my giving in a little didn't screw everything up.  Mostly, though, I'm thankful for more energy and noticing a difference in my body.  My size 12 Levi's are dangerously loose on me... Like, they fall down and I have to wear a belt.  LOL.  My plan is to visit Goodwill or another local thrift store soon and try to find a couple pairs of size 10 pants.  Do you know how long it's been since that was even an option?!

Oh, and I'd like to add a special Thank You to my Roni Sue.  You'll have to forgive the picture, because my 5 year old was taking it, so it's blurry.  Roni felt like I NEEDED to have the dress I'd spotted a couple months ago and declared it should be my "goal dress."  She sent me a size L (10-12).  It fits beautifully, and will be a nice surprise for Stuart next time he sees me.  ;)

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Just ugh.

I have had an INSANE amount of stress lately.  The last 2 days have been particularly rough.  I am wanting to eat EVERYTHING in sight.  Even things that aren't in sight...

Today I really wanted something "bad", so I got something to drink instead.  I figured that would help me decide if I was really hungry or just thirsty.  I held out for a while, and it hit HARD.  I didn't want to waste snacks in the pantry or points today, so I ate a small dill pickle.

There's no need to comment, I just needed to vent a little.  I have gotten out of my Pilates habit, which I need to get back into.  I can just feel this stress really trying to take over my whole being.  It sucks, and I don't want to give into it.

I need to also realize that me giving in to stress and making bad food choices probably means I won't have a loss tomorrow morning at weigh in.  If that's the case, it's not the end of the world, just an indication that I need to get focused and be in control of what I CAN control.


Sunday, June 29, 2008

Emotional Eating

Boy, oh, boy am I an emotional eater!  I've had a lot of stress the past few days.  Stuart's gone again for who knows how long, and we've had some CG *issues* for the past few months that haven't been resolved yet.  I've got a very temperamental two year old here, and a five year old that REALLY misses dad.

I have been CRAVING carbs for the last week.  The good thing (if you can look at it that way) is that it's been a long pay period and we're kinda low on groceries until payday, so there's not much TO eat around here.  That's probably my saving grace right now.  

I've been doing a good job since May basically eating 4 small meals a day.  I stay within my points target, I don't feel hungry, and I'm losing consistently.  This last week, though, I have about 3 hours in the afternoon where I am snacky.  I mean, I could eat and eat mindlessly, given the opportunity.  I try to eat string cheese and something else - a 100 calorie bag of popcorn, some carrot sticks, a pickle - something.  Today it's not cutting it.

So, instead of opening and closing cabinet doors and trying to will some ice cream to appear in the freezer, I figured I'd write a blog and whine about it.  I don't feel much better, but at least I'm not eating!  :)

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thursday means Weigh In Day!!!

After last week's gain, and the trip, and whatnot, it was so nice to get back on track this week!  Stuart left Sunday to head back to the boat, and it's been hard in ways, but nice in others.  I had a day that I had to make a box of mac & cheese.  I measured my serving and counted the points, and I got the "comfort food" effect that I was craving.  Not too bad!  We've been eating some yummy stuff around here - the boys and I, and I'm still staying within my daily points goal.  Woot!

Okay, so here's something I need to work on, I think... Pretty much every morning I eat a bowl of cereal.  The flavor/brand varies... Sometimes it's Special K with red berries, sometimes it's Cap'n Crunch with crunchberries.  The long and short of it is that I need to introduce some protein, I think.  I don't have any problem making it to lunch, but it's after lunch that I have an afternoon crash.  I think if I work on keeping my sugar levels and protein up more consistently, I won't have that urge to binge in the afternoons.  Or, maybe I don't need to do anything with breakfast, but introduce a protein snack in the afternoon?  Advice is certainly welcome!

So are you wondering?  Have I kept you in suspense long enough?

195.5 is today's weight!  I'm down 2 lbs, for a total of 14 since May 1.  
Thanks so much for your support, suggestions, and love!  

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I was going to post this in my "other" blog, but I think I might find more answers here.
I know that WW doesn't have a plan for pregnant women. But, I'm really considering continuing it if (when? Grrr) I get pregnant.
I feel like with the weight that I'm at, it really wouldn't hurt me to - if anything - not gain much weight while I'm pregnant. With the cushion I have ;) I think it would be smart for me not to. I'm not saying that I'm going to be super hardcore about not gaining weight, just that I honestly believe it would be healthy for me not to.
I'm wondering, if I switched over to the nursing version of WW if it would be alright.
It's something that I will bring up to my doctor if (when?) I get pregnant. I will seriously take what he has to say in to consideration if he thinks it's not a smart idea, but then again for my height and weight, I can't it being a big issue (no pun..)
What are your thoughts? I won't be offended if you disagree, that's why I brought it here :)

On the other hand, I've seriously slacked on posting. I've tried thinking of great things to post about and have just drawn a darn blank!
Things are going relatively smoothly here, I've been doing alright on my walking, but could be doing better. I can proudly say that I've been doing EXCELLENT with my water intake. For me, that was a big hurdle. I'm just not a water drinking person, I never really have been. I can say though, I do feel better, and my amount of UTI's has gone way down. Sorry if TMI, but I'm very prone to them and it's VERY frustrating.
I've been the queen of tomatoes lately, LOL. I started a little garden awhile back, and while I usually kill everything I attempt to grow, the 'maters have made it through! It's amazing how much better things taste when you've grown them yourself!

I'm still dealing with the mother aspect *eyeroll here*. I know that she thinks I will not follow through with this. So, I've chosen just not to bring it up. I get more than enough support, advice, and suggestions from Blossom (Lisa) and Amber. I just cannot wait to see the look on my mothers face the next time that I see her. For me, that is just about reason enough to stick with it, and do well.

DH has made a few (carefully worded, LOL) compliments about my bootie. He knows that it's the #2 area I want to improve on. #1 being my tummy...
So, the elliptical is doing it's job. I've slacked off this week, so I'll be picking it back up. It feels good that DH is noticing. He always tells me that he has absolutely no problems with my shape, size, or weight. But, he has agreed with me that my weight gain has effected my confidence - and he just wants to see me happy.
His mother has a bit of an eating disorder, so we did have a few really long chats in where I had to swear to him that I wouldn't turn in to someone unhealthily obsessed. He also is not in to "really thin" figures on women so he made me promise that I'd still have "somethin' to love on" - men!

So, this is it for now! I really appreciate your guys' advice and support :)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Dum dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum...

Okay, so I've been in NOLA with my hubby for the past few days.  We did NOT take time to track points and eat only healthy things.  I am okay with the fact that I'm at 197.5 today.  I gained a little, but I can get back on track, and it'll be fine.

The good things:
Most meals we shared an entree.  We each got our own salad, and split an entree.  It was really nice.
Our hotel was a block north of Bourbon St, so we walked EVERYWHERE.  My feet and hips were killing me because I brought flip flops and various cute shoes, not so much on the supportive shoes.  
Breakfast we ate at the hotel, and they had a nice array of fruits and cereal.  I did make a waffle one morning, but otherwise, I ate pretty healthy for my first meal of the day.

Oh, and the really good thing - I don't drink at home.  Sometimes I have a beer, but I have NEVER had so many fruity beverages in my life!  It was fun, and it was nice to play and let go, but I'm all business now.  

Thanks for following me, and checking in...Now I've gotta update my gain on all my tracking... 

Monday, June 9, 2008

Mighty Morphin' Amber...

Before the positive, let me vent the negative real quick.

I HATE the fact that I can do a fantastic job while my husband is away.  The minute he walks in the door, my will power goes away, and I want to give in to every suggestion of junk food, fast food, or whatever.  I finally had a talk with him this evening and showed him the breakdown of our lunch.  Let me put it this way... one part of my lunch was 14 points.  o_O    Yeah, that's my reaction, too.  That would be MORE than half of my points for the day.  Ugh.  After showing him, he realized that we've been making bad choices.  (to say the least.  LOL!)

Okay, so now let me see if I can set this up the way I want to... The pictures with the pink top were taken April 30, the day before I started this adventure.  The pictures in the blue top were taken tonight.  The angle isn't exactly the same, but you'll be able to see a difference.

Without further adieu...

So Stuart suggested that I wear the blue from now on, because the black pants were a little too effective at hiding my butt and thighs.  (my words, not his)  *snort*  So, there, you get to check 'em out in all their glory in the blue pants.

I will tell you that after beating myself up about the chili dog from lunch today, it was nice to take a look at these pictures and see how far I've come.  I've still got a long way to go, but I can tell that my posture is improving, and slowly but surely, I'm making changes in my physique.  I'm really feeling so much better about myself, too.  Really.  :)


Weighing in today at 182 - I feel like the tortise here, Lol.
My mom and sister are coming down in July, so I'm going to REALLY try and do some extra workouts to see if I can increase some weight loss. My mother is about 110 pounds soaking wet, and my sister is about 125 pounds at 5'6. It can be really depressing to be out in public and not look anything like the people I'm related too. Plus, my mother can be really judgemental about my weight. So, I'm hoping I can show her that I've been working hard, and am seeing results.
I'm also reminding myself everyday that this is something I'm doing for ME, so I won't be looking for her "approval".
Trust me, it'd be SO like her to make some smart ass comment that would cause me to try and feel better by going to the fridge...

Friday, June 6, 2008

Lessons to learn

I had been craving pizza for about a week and a half.  Every time Roni and I would be on yahoo, I'd whine that I wanted pizza.  When I talked to Stuart on the phone, I lamented that I really wanted some pizza.

Well, I got pizza last night.  I should've passed.  I should've overlooked the craving.  The truth is, if I hadn't given in, it would've gotten to the point of bingeing and I would've insisted on burgers, fries and a shake or something.  Then washed it down with some sweet and sour chicken and a whole tiramisu.  You know...really give into "bad food" cravings. 

Here's a mixed blessing:  apparently my better eating habits are starting to stick.   I ate a couple pieces of pizza.  I really enjoyed them.  I felt full, but not stuffed afterwards.  This morning, though, I'm paying the price of a tummy trying to cope with grease, cheese, and so much bread.  Oy.

My mom sent me this little ditty this morning and it cracked me up.  Thought I'd share.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Weighing in...

It's Thursday, so that means weigh-in day!

Drumroll, please...


I am down 13 lbs!  Yee Haw!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


My stupid internet was out from 3pm yesterday, until this morning. I was so lost!
Weighed in and I'm 185. Kind of surprised and a bit frustrated by that, but I think that having my hiatus last week or so ago is what's catching up to me.
On a good note, these shorts that I have and love to wear are seriously noticeably looser fitting. I'm gonna have to see if I'm able to find them in a smaller size because I love 'em so much!
8 pounds down is something to be happy about, and proud of. I'm trying to just keep that thought in my head.

Friday, May 30, 2008

My concoction

Sometimes, especially with Stuart gone, I really crave bad food.  I mean, I'm eating well 89% of the time, and sometimes I just NEED mac & cheese.  Today my craving was Broccoli, Cheese & Rice.

Here's where a dash of "Big Poppa" comes in.  Big Poppa is what the kids call my dad.  He's far too cool to be called Grandpa or anything like that.  Honestly, he and my sisters play laser tag every Tuesday.  I'm not kidding in the least.  He is the master of throwing a bunch of crap in a pot and it becoming a meal.  In the last few years, I've really discovered that it's rubbed off on me a bit.

I digress...

I didn't have the proper ingredients for my dish, so I had to improvise.  When I had the Culver family over for Memorial day, I bought some Tostitos Salsa con Queso.  I figured that would be better than Kraft Fat Free cheese.  :p  In fact, the Queso is really low in points - check it out.

So, here's what I ended up with:

1 bag Success Brown Rice
1 can Condensed Cream of Chicken soup  (I didn't have cream of mushroom)
1 16 oz bag frozen broccoli
2/3 cup Tostitos Salsa con Queso
1/3 cup shredded fat free cheese

I cooked the rice and broccoli, following package directions.  In the meantime, I preheated the oven to 350*.  I combined the queso and soup in a casserole dish.  Once the rice and broccoli were finished, I dumped them in the dish, and mixed it all together.  I topped it with the shredded cheese.  Cover with foil and cook for 20 minutes.  :)

Using the recipe builder on WW.com, I estimated that this was about 8 servings, so 3 pts a serving.  Not too shabby for comfort food!

I think, in the future, I'd put a little less queso or a little more rice.  It was nice to have the extra kick of the salsa.  You know, it also would've been good with chicken breast in it.  I had a chicken breast separately, though.

All in all, it was a satisfying little "cheat".  Plus, since it's spicy, I have PLENTY left over, because the kids wouldn't eat it.  Hee hee.

Weighing in...

This week's weight is 199.0!!!!

I'm so excited that I'm under the 200 lb mark.  I really didn't know that I could possibly see it this fast.  I'm proud of myself, frankly.  

If I'm able to lose 15 total pounds before the hubs and I head to NOLA, I'm going to be so excited.  Since I've only got 2 weeks, it's a little much to lose, but I guess it could happen.

I'm down another point - now at 25 points a day.

This past weekend Stuart came home for a couple of days.  I ate REALLY badly while he was here.  I'm surprised I didn't gain 5 lbs, really.  I'm glad that I didn't let it get me down.  In the past, I would've had a weak day or two, then given up.  I got right back on track.

I now need to work on being more assertive when he comes in and insist on cooking healthy meals when he's home.  It's just so rare for him to be here, and we end up partying while he's here...  BBQ ribs, pizza, the whole deal.

I'm so excited that my trip is soon, and I'll get to wear my hot little dress.  

Monday, May 26, 2008

Why Do People Think It's Their Business...

... and their "right" to comment on YOUR goals?
Setting a personal goal and reaching it is something that you already know will be hard work. But, that it will pay off once you've accomplished it. It's something that you do for yourself. So why do other people feel the need to dictate what, and how you should go about doing it?
For example:
According to WW.com, my ideal weight is between 113 and 130 pounds.
I have made the choice that my goal weight is 130 pounds. I know what I look like that that weight, I know my pant size will be around an 8 in womens, that my arms will lose that flab, my ever persistent double chin will go away, my thighs won't rub together anymore, and if I continue with my elliptical routine I will have an ass that you could bounce a quarter off of. 130 pounds is a comfortable, attainable, familiar number to me.
113 is another story, I don't know what I would look like at 113 pounds. So, I figure I'm going to get down to 130 and go from there. If I can look at my body when I'm 130lbs, and see how losing 17 more pounds would benefit me, then I'm gonna go for it. If I think I look great and am feeling comfortable at 130 - then I'll stay put.
A lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm not changing to be "skinny", I'm changing to be healthy. At the same time, with how busty I am, I don't want to look like I'm about to fall over due to being "top heavy" LOL.
I've chosen to not mention what I'm doing to too many people in my life, because I hate being pestered about it. "So, how's that diet going?"... "Seeing any results yet?"... and yadda yadda. It makes me feel like they are just waiting for me to fail. Like they might as well just ask "So, have you totally bombed out yet?"
But, with the few that I have shared it with - they are feeling the need to tell me what they think is an appropriate amount of weight for me to lose. It's frustrating because I don't think that their input is necessary . This is MY personal goal. I didn't ask for advice on it, and I'm not asking for their thoughts either. It's a goal I've set that I feel is a great one for me.
Maybe they don't see how their comments and opinions come off so negatively?

Friday, May 23, 2008


Amber is doing SO well, she is putting me to SHAME! Lol - congratulations Amber, you are doing so awesome!!

I'm back on the wagon after a brief few days of slipping.

Which got me to thinking...

I really hate that I'm one of those people that make things "all better" by eating food.
The first thing I did after my ER visit because of my m/c was say "F___ it" and I had DH go to Taco Bell for me. WHY do I do that? What is it about food that makes things "all better"?
In the long run, it doesn't. And you KNOW it doesn't. It just continues that damn circle of being unhappy.
And after spending all night in the ER with DD? Came home, cried, and ate two frozen pretzels.
Those silly little things are something that I love, and I had bought them as little treats for myself. Yet, they were the first thing I reached for when I was upset.
I really want to be/wish I was one of those people that threw on their tennis and went for a run to solve anger, frustration, sadness issues. Can you retrain your brain to do that? Or am I fighting a never ending battle here?
I guess I'll be experimenting on myself, because I'm going to try as hard as I can to remember that my tennis are sitting right by the front door - and when I'm upset, I'm going to go for a walk. I'm gonna do my own little test to see if I do it enough, if I can get it to be an automatic "need" when things get rough. Instead of reaching for the food.
The walk would have done me so much better than the Taco Bell.

So anyways - starting over here! Scale said 187, so, I've got some catching up to do if I wanna keep up with Amb - that girl is on a roll baby!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Weigh in day!

This morning was weigh-in time.  I am happy to report that I now weigh

200.5 lbs

I honestly cannot believe the progress I'm making on WW.  I've tried unsuccessfully for such a long time to lose weight.

Oh, and I now have one less point per day.  My new points target is 26.  :)