Sunday, October 26, 2008

I realized

I've been thinking since my weigh in on Thursday about the journey.  This journey.  Becoming healthier is so important to me.  Realizing that food is FOOD and doesn't have control over me, my thoughts, or life... Recognizing the magnitude of making good choices and being aware of what I'm putting in my mouth...

So much of this has NOT been about the number on the scale.  Of course, there is a big part that IS about that number.  I've been so worried about the changes and putting my energy into DOING IT that I hadn't thought about being in the 180s means to me.

When I was in high school, I weighed 165 in 10th grade.  I wore a size 8.  I was curvy, and not the stick that the cheerleaders and drill team members were.  Of course I gave myself a hard time about it.  My parents didn't have the money to buy me clothes that fit properly, so I wore ill-fitting hand me downs from my 30-something aunts, went to the Goodwill with my grandmother, or wore Chic jeans from K Mart.  (wanna talk about some MOM jeans?  EW!)  

Tenth grade was also the end of my parents' marriage.  They were separated, and in the beginning of my 11th grade year the divorce was finalized.  To say it was ugly is an understatement.  My mom started dating immediately and remarried by February.  At that point I had all ready started gaining, but I have no idea what I weighed.  Stuart was away at college, my family had fallen apart, and I was depressed.  I didn't really have friends... I had people that I spoke to in class, I was able to laugh with them in English or whatever, but I didn't have someone to hang out with, or someone to really confide in.  That's mostly my fault, but it's moot at this point.  I spent my weekends locked in my room so that I wouldn't have to see what was going on in my house.  

By the time I graduated high school, I weighed over 200 lbs.  I wore a size 16 dress to graduation.  Thinking back, I am angry that no one in my family cared enough to take me shopping for a new dress or tried to help me see some value in myself.  I had stretch marks on my lower stomach from gaining so much weight so rapidly.  I was ashamed of my body.  Ashamed of myself.  

After being out of school for 10 years, there is only one person that I've kept in touch with.  I'm not good enough at keeping in touch, but she's good about calling me every now and again and we pick up right where we left off.  M, I know you're going to read this.  I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend then.  I didn't know how to really be a friend.  I didn't even like myself, so it was hard to know how to be a friend to someone else.  You know parts of what life was like for me as a kid, and I know you know how hard I'm working as an adult to change my future and the future of my kids from being like that.  I felt so alone, and felt like I didn't deserve - well, anything.  I am working now really hard on self-worth and taking care of me.

SO the long and longer of this is that I realized something this week:

No matter what my goal weight is, no matter what my maintenance weight number is, I am healthier right now - in a lot of ways - than in high school.  How's that for a revelation?

Even more is this:

After high school, a lot more happened, and I ended up living with my grandparents.  It's beyond being a long story.  I tried to take care of myself, and lost a lot of weight.  I was down to 172, and wearing a size 10/12.  That is what I weighed when I got married 172-175.  I am almost there.  It is within reach.  I felt SO GOOD about myself then.  

My poor body has been through so much.  All of this that's been mentioned plus having 2 kids via C-section, then having a hysterectomy at 26.  My skin is stretched and scarred, and my muscles need some strengthening and toning.  It's about time I take care of myself.  

It's about time.


Nissa said...

weird how our mind has been on the same track.

Leah said...

You will get there, my friend.

Chrissy said...


Mary H. said...

Girl, you are one of the best writers I know. Thanks for sharing your story and your journey this far. I *heart* you.

Milli' said...

Oh my...I'm crying. Girl, I'm so glad you're pulling yourself out of this funk. I wish we were closer to MS (well, I wish you were closer to TN!) You are one of the strongest people I know and I only hope I can be half as patient, loving, and stupendous of a mother you are. Thank God for MySpace or I might not have ever found you again :) Love you!!!