Monday, October 19, 2009

So what is my goal, really?

I say all the time that it's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy. In ways, it's completely true. I am more concerned with being around for a long time for my kids and husband, and really enjoying life than I am with the size of my jeans. In other ways, it's a total load of crap. I do care how much I weigh. If I didn't, I wouldn't post my progress every week. I wouldn't even check it every week. This post is about my health, though.

My close friends know that I've been to the doctor about my depression and anxiety level. My blood pressure was alarmingly high to have been on bp meds for a little while - 146/100. I left with a new prescription for a different blood pressure med, and some anti-anxiety medicine. My husband has been incredibly supportive, but I'm feeling very down right now. I am lacking hope, and the joy and zeal for life that I usually have. I'm disconnected from my husband and kids, emotionally, and from most others in every possible way.

If you haven't heard from me lately, please don't take it personally. I'm trying to work through this. I'm working on becoming healthy, and right now that means I need to focus on my mental and emotional health.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Don't look at this.

Seriously. I might cry if I know someone is reading this. BUT, to stay true to my blog, I have to post it. Unfortunately, the last 6 weeks have caught up with me. I thought I was going to escape it. I thought - somehow - the stress, bad food choices, and lack of exercise weren't going to show up on the scale.

My last weigh in was 184. Boy, was I proud of the track I was on. I am devastated to reveal that today my number is 196.5. I'm almost back to 200?! My calendar, the healthy living challenge with my husband? Dust collector. I am SO mad at myself. I'm disappointed. I'm furious.

In a lot of ways in life right now, I am feeling defeated. I don't know how to make life work right now. Sure I breathe and function, and I know that's all that being alive requires, but I want LIFE. I want to seize it, take advantage of it, enjoy it. Right now, I'm not, I haven't, I don't.

I wish I had a more uplifting post for you today, but it's just not in me. All I know to say is that today is a new day. The mistakes of yesterday do NOT have power to make today full of mistakes, too. In the end, the choice is mine. In the end, it's up to me.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


I worked out yesterday. I didn't use my blue resistance band, I used the green, because I was worried about the blue being too much for me. Apparently the green one was too much. I am feeling very frustrated about the physical results of my wreck. I am angry. I was paying attention. I was doing what I was supposed to. This other lady isn't paying attention and doesn't even get a freaking TICKET, much less is she still hurting over a month later.

I am and will always be grateful that we walked away from that wreck. It could have been much worse. In a time where I'm already feeling down, though, knowing that Pilates - the one exercise besides walking that my doc would approve for me - is making me hurt this badly, is very frustrating. VERY. My neck was really sore last night and today my poor hips, back, and knees are killing me.

I am going to rise above this. It will take time, and I just need to be patient. It is making it harder to resist wallowing in the carbohydrate-laden pity party of emotional eating, though.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Just so you know...

I just worked out for the first time since the wreck. 40 minutes of pilates.

Winds of change, and all that junk.


Thursday, October 1, 2009

Heavy sighs and rubbing thighs

It's Thursday! That means weigh in day. Today's number? 184. I think I remember seeing that some place before... OH, I know! Last week!

I'm feeling persnickety, grumpy, and just yucky. This whole week has been a wrong side of the bed week. I love that the weather is cooler in the morning, but I HATE that it is in the 80's by noon. I long for fall. I want to be outside, but I want my body to be able to stand it, not feel like I'm smothering! I'm experiencing PMS symptoms like crazy, which is neat considering I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I do still have my ovaries, hence the hormonal flux.

I'm stressed. Dealing (or trying not to deal and letting Stuart do it instead) with all the wreck stuff is repulsive. It has been a month, and I am still hurting, still afraid when I drive, still not sleeping through the night. The insurance of the lady that hit me is a nightmare, and both my insurance company and I are fed up with it.

I didn't work out this week, so my chart has been a dust collector, essentially. I know I could have lost a few pounds if I'd tried, but the truth is, I didn't. I didn't try. I am just blah right now. I feel like there is no time, like I am just a mom, like I am not a real human right now. I need for April to get here soon, so Stuart and I can take our trip. I need to feel like a woman. I want to feel sexy. I want to be confident - or at least want to be in public.

I feel a lot of negative rambling sneaking in, so I'm going to stop myself. Today is Oct. 1. September is officially over. It is time to move on from the sadness, loss, and negativity that the month brought. Time to move ahead.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Ever have one of those days?

Well, I'm having one of those months. September has not been nice to me in many ways. Let's start at the beginning. On September 1, I was coming home from picking up Chase from school. We were talking about his day, enjoying our drive home, when it happened. For many reasons, I'm not going to get into specifics, but I was rearended by a driver going about 45 mph. I was stopped, but saw her in my rearview mirror, and did my best to get out of the way. Thankfully I did, and we escaped being crushed between 2 large SUVs. My car was totaled, I spent many days in the bed with excruciating whiplash and back spasms, but my family was safe. I am ever grateful for Melissia, a new friend in the area, who spent 5.5 hours with me at the site of the wreck and at Urgent Care, and for the men and women who stopped to help us. There were two gentlemen who were so magnificent, and they helped pry the doors of the car open to get my boys out, and held them and me in their arms until we could be checked out.
In an accident of that nature, there is much red tape, and legal mumbo jumbo. Obtaining the police report, waiting for cooperation of all the parties, and other garbage held up allowing us to get into a car. It was 2 weeks before my car was officially totaled out, and we were able to secure financing for a new vehicle. That happened last Monday.

Monday, September 14 was the first day I was back behind a wheel. It is terrifying to drive again when you've been hit like that. There is a vulnerability that is all-consuming. I had ridden in the car a couple of times, gripping the door or dash, terrified of every car behind us. Once I started driving again, it felt like I had a target on my backside or a cloak of invisibility because it seemed like every car stopped right on my bumper. I was still nursing aches and pain, and hadn't been able to start exercising again.

Thursday, September 17 is a day I am not likely to forget. Stuart called me from work and asked if I'd spoken to family. I had not, and asked what was wrong. He said, "It's really bad, babe." My heart stopped, and then he told me it was my cousin, Rachel. She had been killed in a car accident. He knew no details, so I tried calling my Dad. There was no answer on his phone, I texted him, sent IMs to his phone... Nothing. I then called my sister, and she had heard nothing. In the end, it was confirmed, and my heart broke in two.

Rachel was 19 and beautiful. She was at a point in her life where she had lots of questions, wanted all the answers, and was looking forward to her future. She was headed to work that morning, and pulled out in front of a semi. She was my cousin, but also my friend, and like a little sister in ways. When Stuart and I started dating, she was a little kid - like 4 or 5 - and she would always want to sit in his lap, hold his hand, and sit between us at church. Little turkey. She grew up before our eyes, as we worked in the youth department at church. After Stuart joined the CG, I lost touch with most of my kids in the youth group, except for through networking sites online.
I have been struggling with the fact that I was no longer her confidante. I was not there for her every question, struggle, or tear. I hadn't had an inside joke with her in a while, and I hadn't even teased her about her love for Robert Pattinson. She gave me a hard time about making soaps, asking me if I was now Brad Pitt in her favorite movie, Fight Club. I'm feeling a lot of guilt, regret, and loss. I do have beautiful memories, and I am grateful for them. I have thought of her every single day, and laughed. She brought such joy and love to everyone around her, and she is going to be terribly missed.

I have really had to fight against depression and hopelessness this month. It would be so easy to give up and give in. It would. There have been many days that I just want to go to sleep and forget about life. Forget about everything looming overhead. I haven't counted points in a few weeks. The weekend before my wreck, my dad was here, and he brought with him all the bad eating habits of my childhood. Beans rice and sausage, boudain, piles of spaghetti with 2 kinds of sausage and ground beef. There aren't enough points in a month for that! LOL! Then after the wreck, Mom and Nanny came, and bought all kinds of easy snacks. PopTarts (gasp), chips, cookies, soda, all those weaknesses. Thankfully macaroni and cheese is nowhere in this list.

I know I've mentioned feeling insecure around my sisters, and that wasn't so bad this time in TX. I think I had too much else that really mattered to worry about myself and my shortcomings. It wasn't until we got home that it reared its head, but in a different way. My baby sister, Ashley, is one confident, outspoken little thing. She has struggled with her weight in the past, and has been treated recently in a clinic. She takes a prescription pill, and was taking B12 shots weekly for weight loss. She started out around 165, I guess, and is now 135. I am proud of her, and she does look beautiful, but I had spoken to my doctor in the past about her weight loss methods, and he didn't feel it was right for me at that time. Well, my husband noticed the difference in my sister, and has been not so subtly telling me to look into what she was doing.

Generally, Stuart is super supportive. Right now, I weigh less than I have in years. Less than before either child was born. I have worked hard. I know that the last 4 weeks have not been good, and until this morning, I didn't know where I actually stood weight-wise. His awareness and unintentional nagging has been very hurtful. I know his intentions were to help, to offer me hope, and to give me a solution that would work. You know, that quick fix that everyone dreams of. I just don't feel good about the weight loss clinic approach. I'm not doing this just for weight loss, but to become healthy in many ways. Emotionally, spiritually, physicially...It all plays a part in overall health.

He has been somewhat unhappy about his own physical health, feeling the effects of one too many beers at a port call around his midsection, and the aches and pains that come along with age. We have both done a lot of wallowing and complaining, and not a lot of doing. My calendar in the bedroom hadn't been updated in a few weeks, because I had been bedridden after the wreck, and wasn't interested in getting someone else to check the scale for me. I decided yesterday that I was challenging him to a 9-week healthy living contest. Starting today, for the next 9 weeks, there will be no soda (Coke, pop, whatever you call it), he cannot use tobacco, I have to count my points, we both have to be active 4x/week, and he can only have 2 drinks per port call when he is underway. This will bring us to the week before Thanksgiving.

Do you realize that I - if I meet my goal - will be @ 160 lbs by Thanksgiving?! That is less than I have weighed since I was a freshman in high school.

I do want to mention, by the way, that it hasn't all been bad the last few weeks. I got a new car to replace my crushed one. It is roomy, large, and I feel like I could compete with the next Tahoe that decides they want a look at my innards via my rear end. I also got a job as a medical transcriptionist. I am very excited about being able to contribute financially again, and I hope this opportunity is a good one for me.

Thanks for your support and love. I know this entry was lengthy, but I'm needing the therapy that writing allows right now.

Oh, so today's weigh in was 184. I'm up 2.5 lbs, but that's not so bad, considering I hadn't weighed in since mid-late August.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

This week's update.

My official weigh in this week is 182. That's up .5 lb since last week. Considering the 2 days before weigh-in, and the eating that I did while the hubby was in for a port call, I'm not going to balk too much at the result. The good news? On Tuesday this week, I saw something I haven't seen in a long time - the 170's. My weight was 179.5. It wasn't official, and could very well have been a fluke, but I know it can be done.

Now for a confession... I didn't count while he was here. Why do I do that? WHY? So now I'm out of the habit. I have to get back under control. As a result, I am feeling super depressed and looking to bad foods to make it better. Not really bad, mind you, but I guarantee I didn't need that bowl of Corn Pops last night before bed.

I'm feeling some depression creeping up on me. I have a lot of stress right now. With my hubby gone, it is so hard to deal with things. I have no sounding board. No support. NO break. I am "on" as Mommy 24 hours a day. I am touched out. I'm tired of being a waitress. Tired of being a butt wiper. I'm just TIRED. Like many people right now, money is tight. We're still trying to recover from the Disney trip. Okay, money's not just tight...It's much worse than that, but what can I do, except just hang in there for the next week and a half until payday? I'm also trying desperately to find a Medical Transcription job to take advantage of the education I've received.

Today is the second day that I've woken up grumpy. I am normally a good morning person, ready to help the kids wake up and get going with a smile. I am feeling so lonely, helpless, stressed, and frustrated today. I have to keep my diet in check. I need to be drinking water or tea when I get the boredom/stress hunger.

I've still got a ways to go before this patrol is over and my sweet man is home for a few weeks. I need to be at 178 when the patrol is finished to meet my goal and get a day at the salon. I need a hair cut SO badly. Time to keep my eyes on the prize.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Playing dress up isn't the same...

I will see the hubby soon. He's been on patrol since mid-July. Tonight I decided to try on a couple of outfits for when I see him. The person I am seeing in the mirror weighs at least 220 lbs, though I weigh 181 right now. I cannot see what I really look like, I don't think. Or maybe it's because my clothes are fitting looser and are just looking sloppy? I do know that I'm disappointed that my arms have a lot of really loose skin. I need to work harder on toning.

I hope when he sees me he notices. Surely he'll have to, right? I'm not doing this for him, but I need the reassurance from someone who hasn't seen me in a while, KWIM? I need to hear that I look great, and I need to know that someone notices the hard work I've put in these past weeks.

While he's home we have to take some more progress pictures. Maybe that will help?

I know most of you that read this have dealt with weight fluctuations and whatnot. I don't remember feeling like this last year. Is this a normal reaction? Last year I felt SO good, and WANTED to try on clothes. Right now I'm just feeling blech.

Okay. I need to get to bed. My eyes are tired, and I'm starting to ramble. ;) Good night, all!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Holy cow!

Today is weigh in day. Drumroll, please...

181.5!!!!! I cannot believe it. CAN NOT. I even put a dumbbell on my scale to check the weight and see if the scale was accurate. Since the hubs left on patrol, I have lost 15.5 lbs. This weight is lower than the lowest I got last year on my original WW attempt. I am in shock. Big time.

I am proud of myself, but I'm not believing it. It's come off really quickly, so I kind of don't really know if it's true or not? Does that make sense?

The hubby has a port call coming up and I'll get to see him for about 48 hours, so I guess I'll get my reassurance then. ;)

OH. And here's a reality check: The new 1/3 pound burgers at McDonalds? Ya might wanna look at the nutrition facts before you partake. I didn't. That burger has 750 calories and 39 grams of fat. That's not even thinking about the fries! Let's just say that meal was MORE than my points allowance for the whole day. Just a reminder to be smart when you're going to be eating out. Wowza.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Thurs, Aug 8, 2009

Today's weight is 185.5! That's another 2.5 lbs down.

I had one day this week that was baaaad. I'm glad it didn't completely mess everything up. I had a day that I used 35.5 points in one day. Yikes. I figured out the culprit, though. That morning I ate cereal with a banana for breakfast. Carbs and sugar. For the rest of the day I was ravenous. I could not get full no matter what. I snacked and ate all day long.

My 2 favorites right now for quick and yummy protein are Oscar Mayer Deli Fresh Roast Beef, and Johnsonville turkey cheddar sausages. The Roast Beef is 1 point for 6 slices of meat! It is soo good, too. It is flavored like a French Dip sandwich, so it has a little oniony au jus taste. YUUM. The Johnsonville sausages are 3 points a piece, and taste like you're eating something really naughty.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm feeling good. I'm well on my way to reaching my 9 week goal of 178. I cannot wait to break the 180s. Can't wait.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Today's weight...

Weigh in this morning is 188.  That's a loss of 3 pounds this week.  It also means that my daily points allowance went from 25 to 24.  I'm not getting as much exercise as I'd like still, but with the stress load this week, my body is NOT letting me get by with anything.

On Monday, my life went from oblivious to "you are moving this weekend," to "Oops, sorry...I'm not really sure if that's true..."  I'm leaving out a lot (obviously), but let's say that it's been a STRESSFUL week.  Not to mention that I am just about touched out with my clingy 3 year old.  I'm also waiting on my retake score from my MT final.  The good news?  I haven't turned to pasta.  The goal today is to make it through grocery shopping without bringing home mac and cheese.  I know that's a lame goal, but it is seriously my comfort food.  It is what I turn to in a moment of weakness.

Well, it's just after 8.  I need to make a grocery list, make sure I have the school supply list, and brave the crowds out and about.  I'm sure it's going to be reaaaal fun out there today.  Gotta get it done before lunchtime so I'm not tempted to grab lunch while I'm out.  After shopping with 2 kids, some salty french fries always sound good.  *snort*

Have a great day!  

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Didn't think I'd do it, did you?

Okay, so I'm a couple days late, but I did weigh in on time.  I had a weird and BUSY week this week.  Many thanks to my friend, Leah, for watching the boys while I went and had blood work done. It's so nice to have support when the hubs is gone.  

My weight this week is 191.  I lost 3 lbs, and I'm really happy about it.  I'm working hard to drink enough.  I am not giving in to the urge to hit the bakery racks or buy macaroni and cheese at the store.  I had a goal to work out 4 hours/week, but that didn't work this week.  I only did 1.5 hours, but that's something.  I rearranged furniture in both the living room and my bedroom, and did a lot of things around the house related to reorganizing those rooms.  I also did some jogging and pilates.  I've been fighting some hard core fatigue, and trying to give into it to an extent.  I know that sounds odd, but I've noticed with my fibromyalgia, if I don't listen to what my body is telling me, it'll make me listen.  Stuart won't be home for more than a month still, and I can't afford to be run down and sick when I'm doing the single parent thing.

I am so hopeful that I'll reach my goal of 178 by mid-September.  As I've said before, I weighed 172 when we got married in January of 2000, and it would be so nice to be at or below that weight by our 10-year anniversary.  

Thanks in advance for your support.


Sunday, July 19, 2009

So, uh, "Hi."

I know, I know.  It's been 4 months.  Really, it's been a long time since I've felt like me and felt like I was taking care of myself.  I finally reached the point where I could not cope with my fibromyalgia any longer and had to be started on a medication for it.  I also had to start a blood pressure medication.  There's a wake up call.  My blood pressure was 144/106.  Not so good.

Stress?  Well, let's say I've been maxed out.  The late spring patrol was horrible for me.  The hubby was gone, and we had Strep running rampant, along with pneumonia and allergic reactions to medication.  The patrol schedule has been 45 days out, 4 weeks in, which is not so fun.  It's hard to focus when he is home on trying to incorporate him into our routine.  Instead, everything falls by the wayside to spend time together.  He and I started doing some Wii Fit exercises together, which was nice.  It is so nice to have someone to exercise with.  

In the last couple of weeks, we had a big trip to Florida, and went to Disney World with my grandmother and sister.  I had moments of my body not wanting to cooperate, but we all had a really great time, and the summer showers kept the temperature nearly bearable.  

So enough of the past.  What's going on today?

We have entered a new patrol period, so I have time to think and work.  I have been really feeling bad about myself, bad for myself, and drowning in my pity pool.  I went to Dollar Tree this week and bought some posterboard and markers.  I have a 9 Week goal to break 180.  Though I had gotten down to 182.5 last year, I'm at 194 right now.  Yipes.  In 9 weeks, my goal is to be at 178.  That's 16 pounds, and completely reasonable.  I'm scheduled to have some more bloodwork done this next week, so hopefully things will be looking okay.

Oh...So back to my markers.  LOL!  I got sidetracked...  I hung this on my bedroom wall.  Nothing like keeping it right in my face.  I cannot get through a day without looking at it.  At the bottom of my posterboard, I listed some goals, and posted a few pictures.  My husband proposed to me again, and asked if I'd like to renew our vows.  No, no new jewelry.  We were hoping to take the honeymoon I always wanted but we never got to take on our 10 year anniversary, but we are going to postpone it closer to my 30th birthday.  That's certainly something to work toward.  He and I both want to be able to do active, fun things like hiking without me limping back.  I've got to really get these pounds off and strengthen and stretch my muscles to help with my stamina.  Oh, and I still have "the swimsuit" that I ordered last year that I've never been able to wear.  I posted the pictures of the resort we want to go to and the swimsuit on my poster.

Hopefully you'll be seeing more of me. 

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Are we normal?

There is NOTHING like the sting of your child saying something honest.  In my heart, I know he meant no harm, but it's stuck with me for about 3 weeks now.  We were getting ready to eat dinner, and the boys and the hubby were all ready seated at the table.  Out of nowhere, comes the innocent enough question, "Dad, are we normal?"

My husband looked at my 6 year old with the perplexed expression he usually has when addressing the million questions of the day, and said, "Sure, son.  I guess we are."  

This is when it happened.  

"We are, but not Mom."

"Why?  What makes Mom different?  She's just as normal as the rest of us."

"But her tummy is really big and round.  She's not normal."  *heart cracking and pieces hitting the floor*

Oh, by the way, I do realize I haven't written anything in better than a month.  I have a whole string of excuses, none of which are valid, really.  The truth is that I'm wallowing and focusing on everything and everyone BUT me.  

I went on a fabulous trip with amazing women to New Orleans.  Their food is NOT comprised of healthy choices, and well, even though I did a lot of walking, I did a fair bit of drinking, and gained 5 pounds over that weekend.  

Do you realize that since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and my doctor told me to stop doing the 30 Day Shred video, I have not worked out?  I have done a video here or there, but nothing like I was doing.  I was working out every day.  Now my tummy is really showing it.  My arms are softer.  It's not hard fat, but it's the loose skin and lack of muscle tone indicative of an inactive lifestyle.  

I am fighting with a sore neck that has been around for nearly 2 weeks now.  I see the doctor tomorrow afternoon.  I'm going to be tracking points again, and posting a chart on the refrigerator door.  I need some reminders all around that I count and that I'm good enough to take care of.  I turn 29 in less than a month.  I don't want to start my 30's having undone all the hard work I put in last year.  I want to start my 30's at a healthy weight, with no worries of seeing a BMI that says that I'm obese.  

I hope you all are doing well, and I hope I can get back on track.  I miss the motivated, happy person I was last year.  I have to find that person again.  

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I love my husband

My husband is feeling his age, I think.  His wiry, "girlish" figure is taking more energy to maintain since he hit the big 3-0 and he's quickly approaching 31.  He is on a health kick, and I am so proud of him.  It is so nice to have him helping me choose healthy foods!  He even stood patiently as I convinced him that the Light English Muffins were a better choice than bagels.  (and they're only 1 point!) 

I am proud to say that I am more points conscious, and my breakfast this morning was a whopping 2 points, but I feel fabulous!  I had a Light English Muffin with some fat free cream cheese, as well as 2 cups of coffee.  I used to drink a little coffee with my creamer and sugar, but have changed that habit!  I only put 1 tsp of fat free creamer in a cup of coffee.  I bought the man a coffee grinder for Valentine's, so it's nice to appreciate the flavor of the coffee without drowning it in fat and calories.

I'm ready to start feeling better and taking care of myself again.  

Saturday, February 14, 2009

It's been WEEKS.

I haven't updated in a few weeks.  My weight at this point?  190.5.  I have gained 8 lbs since before the holidays.  NOT where I'm wanting to be.  I could have and SHOULD have reached my goal of 165 lbs by now.  I should be happily twitting about in a size 8, without a care in the world.  ha.

There are some things that I know are true...I do not consider them excuses, but fact.  In November, I started the battle with the doctors trying to figure out what was going on with me.  My husband has been on a patrol for a while now.  The kids were sick, I got lazy... oh, and school has taken over my life.  I didn't realize the time restraint early on, and now that I've only got 10 days to finish...Well, let's say that I'm feeling the pressure.

I have not steadily tracked my points in I can't remember when.  I did track today, however, after seeing that I had reached 190 again.  :(  UGH.  DAMMIT.  UGH.

I have still been wallowing.  I hope my "Come to Jesus" post did someone else some good, because it did nothing for me.  I am feeling that desperation that all yo-yo dieters recognize:

"If I just do (that shake diet) for a few days... Maybe a cleanse.  A cleanse... that's a good idea... It'd drop a few pounds quickly... and how bad could pooping really be for ya?"  I am looking for a quick get thin scheme, and I KNOW better.  

So right now I'm mad at myself.  I have 4 weeks until I'm getting together with my girlfriends, and I'm feeling fat and depressed.  I miss my husband.  I spent Valentine's with my boys, which could be worse... Instead of a nice dinner out I had scrambled eggs with zucchini, grape tomatoes, and a little cheese.  

I'm feeling sad, fat, and frustrated.  Because the doctor told me to stop my weights, I stopped everything.  Because I stopped counting for a few days, I stopped counting all together.  

My friend, Roni, and I were on the phone the other day, and I was 'fessing up about my weight gain and my sense of overwhelm.  She said that I needed to learn to focus on one thing at a time.  I'm trying to manage a house, keep the kids cared for, and do school - at this point more than full-time - and as a "single" mom.  Just like before, when I was living a very unhealthy life, I have put myself last.  EVERYTHING has been coming before me, and my health and weight are showing it.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I need to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting...

...with myself.  

Stop it.  Stop wallowing.  Where's it getting you?  Not any healthier, that's for sure!  Yeah, you know what?  Lots of people don't feel well.  Lots of people don't know a diagnosis and feel like crap.  That is no excuse!  If anything, it's a reason to be taking BETTER care of yourself!  Like sneaking those handfulls of popcorn or cheese crackers doesn't count?  Who are you trying to fool?  The scale isn't fooled, and that's why you only lost a half pound this week.

Suck it up.  Yeah, he's gone for a while.  You've got stress from school.  You've bitten off more than you can chew - again.  Deal with it.  You can do it.  You can do all of this if you will apply yourself.  Hiding out, sulking, and stress eating isn't going to cut it.  It's just not.

You have seven weeks from today.  You'll see your BFF again, you'll get to meet some ladies IRL that you've befriended over the last few years.  Don't you want to be at your best?  Don't you want to be proud of yourself?  Of course you do!  Seven weeks.  You could lose up to 14 lbs in that amount of time.  Can you even imagine?  Weighing the same as 9 years ago?  

Follow the plan - the farmer market/fruit stand and the meat market.  Don't buy those carbs.  Just don't do it.  Yes, I know how good buttered spaghetti is.  You did a good job not buying a bunch of crap the last few weeks.  Just hold out.  You can do it.  Get off your ass.  It doesn't matter if you're not feeling well... stretch, go for a walk, but MOVE.  Stop letting it get the best of you.

There is no one but you that can take these steps.  This is your journey, Amber.  No one else's.  

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Starting Point

Weight is 185.5 - So, this is my starting point basically.

My weigh in's are Mondays - I'm going to try my best to remember to post them :)

Monday, January 19, 2009


I'm still here.
I'm still kickin'.

Not... kickin' as much as Ambs though :)

She's a really good writer, and sometimes I feel like I just don't know what to say, or how to say it. Like Amber, I've fallen off the wagon. Buuuttt, I have a great new motivator, and her name is NOLA.
I'm gonna kick ass, and take names. Cause I am NOT going to be the "fat girl" in NOLA. I want to feel confident, and pretty, and ONLY wory about having a good time. Not worry that I don't look as pretty, or as thin, or as _____ as the other Chicks there. This isn't a trip to be self conscious. This is a trip to take a break from "Mommyhood" and "wifehood". A trip to feel good, and have a Fan-Freaking-Tastic good time. I determined to do that. AND, to show off my hard work to my chickies!!
Ambs and I have been looking up outfits and such, for the NOLA trip. I've got to keep remind myself that this trip is around the corner, an I've gotta make EVERY day count. And make SMART choices every day.

Goals are good!

I can write down goals a hundred times and have them posted, but it does nothing for me if I don't have a deadline looming.  A self-imposed deadline isn't really what I mean, I'm talking about a people-are-going-to-see-you kind of deadline.

You may remember last year I ordered a swim suit as a GOAL piece.  It's a size 8.  I tried it on yesterday, and it's incredible how different my body looks than this time last year.  HOWEVER, I have a good 15 lbs before that thing fits anywhere near the way it was designed.  I'm going to NOLA with some friends in March, and I have just the timeline to lose 15 lbs.  I'll be staying at a hotel with a heated, saltwater pool, and I am taking that swimsuit with me.  I'm also going to be ordering some new underwear, jammies, etc, and I'm ordering a medium instead of a large.  

As much as I love to hate Jillian and her 30 day Shred, I think with my Fibromyalgia this is not the time to do it.  We had a cold snap here last week, and I couldn't do it.  I did good to walk most days.  Last night I did 30 minutes of my Pilates video, and it was nice.  I think the Shredding that I've done has helped me to really isolate muscles, and it made my Pilates workout much more effective last night.  The Pilates feels nice and doesn't suck all my energy, plus it gives me some stretch and flexibility.  I've been losing some of that, especially in my left leg.

The handsome hubs will be underway soon, so plan on seeing some good posts from me.  It's SO much easier with him gone.  

Thursday, January 15, 2009

weighing in

I've been following plan for a week today.  The good news is that it's working - it always does when I work, too!

187.0~  down 2 lbs.

Yay for making better choices.

To pat myself on the back a bit, we went to Wal Mart for a few groceries last night.  We have a lot of stressful things going on, and carbs are my weakness.  I didn't purchase a single box of mac n cheese for "Logan," nor did I pick up ice cream, candy, cookies, or cupcakes like I really wanted to.  I would have loved to drown my sorrows in about 300 grams of sugar, but I resisted.  Instead, I came home and had half a banana and a bottle of water.  :)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Healthy Again...

Let's discuss the irony of the name of this blog.  My goal last year was to really take charge of my life - my body, mind, and soul.  I have made some FABULOUS changes.  Our family got involved in a church here, which has been filling a very spacious void.  I was awarded a scholarship and started taking classes online.  Boy has that been more of a challenge than I expected.  I joined Weight Watchers and lost 27 lbs (but I've gained a few back...).  I'm seeing definition in my body from working out.  All of these things are VERY good.  

The best part of those changes is that I can see my children absorbing them.  My little guy, just shy of 3 years old, talks about snacks being "good choices" or not-so-good choices.  It warmed my heart when we went to a local chicken finger joint and he chose my cole slaw over his french fries.  Working out has become a family thing... the boys do a few minutes of The Shred with us, which is hysterical.  Chase even tries to do my pilates with me.  LOL.  Just picture that.  They are growing by leaps and bounds inside and out, and I'm so proud of the big kids they are becoming... aware of healthy choices, oblivious (or accepting, I'm not sure which) of differences in other people, and SO affectionate.

So here's the irony:  I am feeling lousy.  We've gotten another cold snap the last 2 days here, and I'm barely able to walk again.  I had ice on my car yesterday and again today.  My hips are aching like crazy.  I made the decision not to try to Shred every day.  I think my body cannot handle it right now.  From what I've read, with Fibromyalgia you should work out even when you don't feel like it, but I'm pretty sure they haven't met Jillian Michaels.  ...just going out on a limb on that one...  Pilates and more joint-friendly exercises are going to become the norm for a little while until I get this pain under control.

I guess from my physical exhaustion, pain, and fatigue, deadlines for school, and a looming patrol for the hubby, I am feeling a great deal of overwhelm.  The good thing, food choice-wise, is that it's the end of a pay period, so we're short on food - especially bad food.  Over the holidays I had a lot of fun, but I drank a lot of carbonated crap, and calories in a glass.  I know NYE is one night, and all that jazz, but it seems like the past month has been filled with rum and coke nights here and there.  Diet coke isn't diet when you add rum to it.  :p  

I'm still waiting on some lab work for my thyroid.  One doctor suspected hyperthyroid, but the rheumatologist said I'm exhibiting hypothyroid symptoms.  My thyroid is enlarged, my hair is falling out, and other misc TMI symptoms that you don't wanna know about.  

Okay, so even though I've been diagnosed with a new disease, I can still continue my quest to be healthy again.  It's just going to require another paradigm shift.  Before long I'm going to be the San Andreas fault of paradigm shifting.  Watch out, world... the big one's coming.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Weighing in. Ugh.

I had to stop WW in November.  In the last 7 weeks, I've gained 6 lbs.  Yuck.

I'm at 189 today, starting back on the momentum plan.  My daily points target is 24.  I think I'll be keeping up with the shred just for the activity points.  ;)

I didn't Shred yesterday.  I was really sore and physically and emotionally exhausted from my visit with the rheumatologist.  I got some answers and some more questions.  For now, I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, but there may be other contributing factors, and they're testing me for those.  I'll see the doctor again in a couple of weeks.  

Thanks for your support!


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I'm baaaaaaaack!

Thank you, Leah!  (|:|)  (that's my little ninja face.  LOL)

I'm now signed back up for WW, and exploring the Momentum plan.  Seems a lot like flex with better focus on making healthy choices, not just the choices in your points range.  I'm so excited.  Tomorrow I'll start back up with my Thursday weigh ins.  I know I've gained, so be prepared to watch my little ticker fill back up a little.  

I am really excited to have a 5% goal to start with.  Feels kinda good to have an easily attainable goal right there.

Monday, January 5, 2009

30 Day Shred - Check in post

1-5-09:  Done!  :)  (no 5 second breaks!  WOOT!)
1-6-09:  Done.  Stuart joined me tonight.  What a difference in my endurance from a few weeks ago!
1-12-09:  Yeah... a little bit of a gap there.  I need to focus on working even when I don't feel like it... We moved up to level 2.  

Happy 2009!

Back from our trip to TX.  Let's just say that mindless eating, a lot of drinking, and a couple of cigars did NOT make for a healthy first few hours of this year.  Actually, the first few days of the year included a lot of unhealthy food choices.  This time last year, I would have said, "It was worth it -- it all tasted good!"  Now, however, I know that nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels.  (I know the quote is thin, but this is more about being healthy for me!)  My worst choice?  An avocado, stuffed with fajita chicken and melted cheese, breaded and fried.  

I haven't been able to rejoin WW online yet, and I know that's my biggest obstacle right now.  I need that accountability back.  I tried a widget for my Apple that is similar, but I can't get into it with the ease that WW online provides.  

Today begins a 30 Day Shred contest with some Coastie wives.  I'm doing it come hell or high water.  The hubby will be going on patrol soon, and I'm going to do this even with him gone.  I want him to get back and really admire my arms and, well, everything.  ;)  The contest will have a winner with most inches lost, and a winner that completed the workout all 30 days.  I'm going to check in here when I've completed my daily workout.  I think I might start doing it during the day while Chase is at school, and see if my energy is better.  We'll see...

Closing today with a picture of me and my sisters...
I came a long way in 2008, but have a ways to go still in 2009!