Saturday, February 14, 2009

It's been WEEKS.

I haven't updated in a few weeks.  My weight at this point?  190.5.  I have gained 8 lbs since before the holidays.  NOT where I'm wanting to be.  I could have and SHOULD have reached my goal of 165 lbs by now.  I should be happily twitting about in a size 8, without a care in the world.  ha.

There are some things that I know are true...I do not consider them excuses, but fact.  In November, I started the battle with the doctors trying to figure out what was going on with me.  My husband has been on a patrol for a while now.  The kids were sick, I got lazy... oh, and school has taken over my life.  I didn't realize the time restraint early on, and now that I've only got 10 days to finish...Well, let's say that I'm feeling the pressure.

I have not steadily tracked my points in I can't remember when.  I did track today, however, after seeing that I had reached 190 again.  :(  UGH.  DAMMIT.  UGH.

I have still been wallowing.  I hope my "Come to Jesus" post did someone else some good, because it did nothing for me.  I am feeling that desperation that all yo-yo dieters recognize:

"If I just do (that shake diet) for a few days... Maybe a cleanse.  A cleanse... that's a good idea... It'd drop a few pounds quickly... and how bad could pooping really be for ya?"  I am looking for a quick get thin scheme, and I KNOW better.  

So right now I'm mad at myself.  I have 4 weeks until I'm getting together with my girlfriends, and I'm feeling fat and depressed.  I miss my husband.  I spent Valentine's with my boys, which could be worse... Instead of a nice dinner out I had scrambled eggs with zucchini, grape tomatoes, and a little cheese.  

I'm feeling sad, fat, and frustrated.  Because the doctor told me to stop my weights, I stopped everything.  Because I stopped counting for a few days, I stopped counting all together.  

My friend, Roni, and I were on the phone the other day, and I was 'fessing up about my weight gain and my sense of overwhelm.  She said that I needed to learn to focus on one thing at a time.  I'm trying to manage a house, keep the kids cared for, and do school - at this point more than full-time - and as a "single" mom.  Just like before, when I was living a very unhealthy life, I have put myself last.  EVERYTHING has been coming before me, and my health and weight are showing it.

4 comments:

Cirrus said...

I agree with Roni....one thing at a time. You'll get way too overwhelmed, otherwise. Instead of worrying about your weight and counting right now, just focus on choosing healthy foods and get through the rest of it first. I have faith in you, and once all these stresses resolve (or get worked into your day to day life with a little more ease) you'll be better able to do this again. And you can decompress on your girl's getaway!

Oh, and your dinner tonight, sounds awesome! (I spent V day alone with my little boy too. I had a caprese salad, he had lasagne.)

Jason and Samantha said...

((hugs))

I agree with Cirrus, she always says the right stuff. :)

Mary H. said...

Whew...sending you a big hug. That's a lot on your plate. I, too, had a romantic dinner of popcorn and apple slices with the kids.

Baby steps - there is no quick fix. You have us, and we are here to support you even when you think you've failed - which you have not. All goals have minor setbacks that cause us to re-evaluate our plan and make changes.

Hang in there.

Chrissy said...

I still love you even if you having a hard time with this. I still think you're a strong person even though you're feeling weak. I still think you can do this even though I think you're not so sure.

This isn't an easy journey. We all know that, especially with the circumstances you have going on right now. Do what you can with what you have.