Saturday, September 27, 2008

I'm a gutless flip flopper!

Recognize this face?  This is Runt, from Disney's Chicken Little.  We love this movie around here.  The kids have the soundtrack and it's often heard playing in my little mom-mobile.  I love and can appreciate the story and the struggle that Chicken Little endures not being able to effectively communicate with his father.  That's a little deep, but it is what it is.

Runt has a fantastic line in the film.  He's not a real strong guy emotionally, and goes along with what everyone else says.  The line is:  "I'm a gutless flip flopper!"  (though I could go with quite a few of his lines... "Just leave me some ammo, a little water... some chips if you have 'em...", "darn these genetically tiny legs", etc.)

Argh.  I tell myself I'm going to do better.  I have a goal-making meeting with my husband and unload all the yuck in my soul on to him.  We both vow to get back on track with things, and disaster strikes.  Hurricane Ike hit my hometown.  Most of my family didn't evacuate, but my baby sister and her boyfriend did, thankfully.  They came here, and we were able to visit.  The homes of our family members were spared, but the communities in Southeast Texas have a lot of rebuilding in the immediate future.

Now, all of my family knows that I'm on Weight Watchers.  My parents, sisters, grandparents - they all know.  However, when they are here, there is NO mind paid to that.  Sure, they're proud that my butt is smaller, my face is more defined, my tummy doesn't stick out AS far, but no respect or concern is shown to my decision to eat healthier.  Instead of rocking the boat, I go along with them, eating fried seafood, BBQ, and all sorts of unhealthy bad choices.  

As I was saying, my sister was here, then after she left, my dad came.  The power took a week to be restored in his home - longer in many other areas - and he wanted a place to stay with running water and electricity.  Who could blame him?  He made a really yummy dinner one night... it was spaghetti with (no exaggeration) pepperoni, italian sausage, ground turkey, ground pork, tomato sauce and whole wheat pasta.  I suppose the whole wheat pasta is to try to soak up some of the grease in all that meat, but who knows.  I was SO sick after I ate it - not because it was bad, but because it was bad for me.  My body didn't want any part of it.  

I know for a fact that if I'd spoken up and stood my ground, they would've shown respect.  Most people will.  It's not about me pushing what I'm doing on other people, and I need to realize that.  It's about me doing what's healthy for ME.  So, as often happens after a period of unhealthy eating, I started beating myself up about it.  

Then, it happened.  One of my WORST fears was realized.  

Chase said, "Mom, you're so FAT!"

My spirit was crushed, and I thought at first that there was no way he knew what that meant.  We don't ever talk about people being fat, I don't say that I feel fat, etc.  

I said, "Son, do you even know what that means?"

"Yeah!  You're really fat... like a PIG!"

I explained to him in as many words as I could muster without being tearful that what he said was hurtful, and I didn't appreciate it.  I then texted the conversation to my husband, who was able to explain things to Chase a little better when he got home from work, without emotion tied in.  

I was hurt for one, because I've lost 20 pounds.  I'm not as fat as I was, for crying out loud!  Two, I was hurt because I knew that I hadn't been taking good care of myself in the last couple of months, and I hadn't been following the plan and counting points.  Mostly, I was hurt because I feel like I'm letting him down.  My parents have both always been overweight.  I can remember trying to explain to one of the neighborhood girls that my mom was NOT going to have a baby, her belly was just like that.  I'm not saying that if you have an overweight family member you should be ashamed of them.  What I'm saying is that I don't want that to be a reason that my children are ashamed of me.  

The taunting, laughing, and name calling that Chase showed me in those few minutes was so incredibly hurtful to me.  I know that he, as a five year old, would not maliciously say those things to hurt me, but it was certainly a wake up call, and a reason to put my perspective and complacent attitude into check.

I have to work on being healthy for me in the company of others.  After my mom and grandmother came, Stuart came home, Ashley and her boyfriend came, and my dad visited.  This was all in the span of about 6 or 8 weeks.  My life has been a roller coaster ride.  It's not been living for me, taking care of me anymore, but gutlessly flip flopping and doing what won't rock the boat with those I'm around.

I haven't done an official weigh in for the past couple of weeks.  I'll weigh in on Thursday and give you guys the number.  If you don't see a post here, call me out on it.  I need it.  I need help to get back on track... 

It all boils down to me being willing to fight for me, though.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Digging Myself Out

Okay, so after my VERY down-in-the-dumps post the other day, I had a long sit down with my amazing husband. I am SO fortunate to be married to a man that "gets" me. I had concerns, doubts, and lots of negative emotions that I needed to get out. He received it all very well, and didn't take anything personally. I am so thankful that our talk went the way it did.

The end result was amazing. My husband insisted that when he's home I get 2 hours to myself a day. (Personally, I think that's a good goal, and I'll probably end up with 1, but still...) We'll be adjusting the budget so that I can try to catch a movie with a girlfriend every now and again, and we're going to plan on a date night once a month. Nothing extravagant, but time for us to reconnect. Having him on a boat and away from home so much has been such a life-changing event for our family. I say all the time that we are a team, and it's really true. I am able to function while he's gone. I do most of what I need to do, and manage a little sleep now and again. When he's home, though, it's just so different.

I digress...

The other portion of our meeting was me setting goals. These goal run the gamut from weight loss goals to chores. I know it may seem silly to make a chore/task sheet for an adult, but when I get depressed and withdraw, I need to completely refocus.

So, in case there are others in the same boat as me, I am willing to share my task and goal sheet. I am a little obsessed with vintage pinups, as you can see. Hopefully you'll be able to click to enlarge the pic to see it.

In other news, we've been more active as a family, and I weighed this morning just to see exactly where I am. I'm at 189.5, which is where I left off when my mom and grandmother were here. I'm back on track, so watch out!

Saturday, September 6, 2008


Health is just as much a mental and emotional condition as it is physical.  I'm not really feeling healthy in either realm lately.

So, Becca, here's the cold, hard truth.

My mom and grandmother came about, what, 5 weeks ago?  Maybe 6?  The first days they were here I was a counting fool.  Then, I gave into their, "oh, come on" and "you have to live a little, and you only live once!"  Yeah.  So by the end of their visit, I hadn't counted points in a couple days.

I still haven't counted points for a whole day since.  It's heartbreaking.

In the midst of that, I don't know really what else has happened.  Perhaps it all goes hand-in-hand.  Emotionally, I was feeling FANTASTIC when I was eating well.  Not so much always feeling good about myself, but not moping and miserable.

The last few weeks have been hard.  I'm wallowing.  There is a nice pit here filled with loneliness, sadness, and indifference.  I'm so incredibly sad.  Truthfully.  I don't know if I need to get into the doctor and see about adjusting my Effexor, or what, but I'm having a hard time coping.  I do have triggers, though.  I have very real stressors in my life right now.  Another common denominator is money.  It's expensive trying to live on the economy here.  Produce is expensive, meat is ridiculous, not to mention milk and eggs.  That's not an excuse, it's a fact.  

You girls that know me pretty well know that for me to deal with things, I have to dump 'em all out there; sorry about that.  

I am not loving me much at all.  I told Roni on the phone last night that it's strange that I have so many friends that confide in me.  I told her I look a lot better on the computer screen.  I don't feel like I deserve things right now.  Please don't judge me, or think that I'm being overly dramatic.  I'm actually being brutally honest.  I don't have the energy lately to care about keeping tabs on the house.  I have been making bad food choices.  Very bad.  I'm not really eating out, but when Stuart comes home, so do sodas, candy, chips, and all the crap I wouldn't normally have in the house.  Since it's here, I'm eating it.  I am.  My face is broken out like crazy.  I have bags under my eyes from not sleeping well.  I have no energy at all.  

I haven't worked out in over a week.  I need to.  I miss it.  I just don't know how to do it.  It boils down to the fact that I just HAVE to do it.  I'm not entirely sure how, but I do.  

Thank you, friends, for not giving up on me.  The good news is I haven't gained an extravagant amount of weight.  I did, at my last weigh in, gain 1.5 lbs.  

I need some prayer, and I need some change.  Most of all, I need for me to get on the ball and get on my team.  I'm going to be making myself an outline with chores and kind of a timeline for the school days.  I will do it to pull myself out.  I don't like the me I am today.  I don't like the mom I'm being...uninvolved and withdrawn.  

Onward to health.  The search for me continues...