Saturday, September 27, 2008

I'm a gutless flip flopper!

Recognize this face?  This is Runt, from Disney's Chicken Little.  We love this movie around here.  The kids have the soundtrack and it's often heard playing in my little mom-mobile.  I love and can appreciate the story and the struggle that Chicken Little endures not being able to effectively communicate with his father.  That's a little deep, but it is what it is.

Runt has a fantastic line in the film.  He's not a real strong guy emotionally, and goes along with what everyone else says.  The line is:  "I'm a gutless flip flopper!"  (though I could go with quite a few of his lines... "Just leave me some ammo, a little water... some chips if you have 'em...", "darn these genetically tiny legs", etc.)

Argh.  I tell myself I'm going to do better.  I have a goal-making meeting with my husband and unload all the yuck in my soul on to him.  We both vow to get back on track with things, and disaster strikes.  Hurricane Ike hit my hometown.  Most of my family didn't evacuate, but my baby sister and her boyfriend did, thankfully.  They came here, and we were able to visit.  The homes of our family members were spared, but the communities in Southeast Texas have a lot of rebuilding in the immediate future.

Now, all of my family knows that I'm on Weight Watchers.  My parents, sisters, grandparents - they all know.  However, when they are here, there is NO mind paid to that.  Sure, they're proud that my butt is smaller, my face is more defined, my tummy doesn't stick out AS far, but no respect or concern is shown to my decision to eat healthier.  Instead of rocking the boat, I go along with them, eating fried seafood, BBQ, and all sorts of unhealthy bad choices.  

As I was saying, my sister was here, then after she left, my dad came.  The power took a week to be restored in his home - longer in many other areas - and he wanted a place to stay with running water and electricity.  Who could blame him?  He made a really yummy dinner one night... it was spaghetti with (no exaggeration) pepperoni, italian sausage, ground turkey, ground pork, tomato sauce and whole wheat pasta.  I suppose the whole wheat pasta is to try to soak up some of the grease in all that meat, but who knows.  I was SO sick after I ate it - not because it was bad, but because it was bad for me.  My body didn't want any part of it.  

I know for a fact that if I'd spoken up and stood my ground, they would've shown respect.  Most people will.  It's not about me pushing what I'm doing on other people, and I need to realize that.  It's about me doing what's healthy for ME.  So, as often happens after a period of unhealthy eating, I started beating myself up about it.  

Then, it happened.  One of my WORST fears was realized.  

Chase said, "Mom, you're so FAT!"

My spirit was crushed, and I thought at first that there was no way he knew what that meant.  We don't ever talk about people being fat, I don't say that I feel fat, etc.  

I said, "Son, do you even know what that means?"

"Yeah!  You're really fat... like a PIG!"

I explained to him in as many words as I could muster without being tearful that what he said was hurtful, and I didn't appreciate it.  I then texted the conversation to my husband, who was able to explain things to Chase a little better when he got home from work, without emotion tied in.  

I was hurt for one, because I've lost 20 pounds.  I'm not as fat as I was, for crying out loud!  Two, I was hurt because I knew that I hadn't been taking good care of myself in the last couple of months, and I hadn't been following the plan and counting points.  Mostly, I was hurt because I feel like I'm letting him down.  My parents have both always been overweight.  I can remember trying to explain to one of the neighborhood girls that my mom was NOT going to have a baby, her belly was just like that.  I'm not saying that if you have an overweight family member you should be ashamed of them.  What I'm saying is that I don't want that to be a reason that my children are ashamed of me.  

The taunting, laughing, and name calling that Chase showed me in those few minutes was so incredibly hurtful to me.  I know that he, as a five year old, would not maliciously say those things to hurt me, but it was certainly a wake up call, and a reason to put my perspective and complacent attitude into check.

I have to work on being healthy for me in the company of others.  After my mom and grandmother came, Stuart came home, Ashley and her boyfriend came, and my dad visited.  This was all in the span of about 6 or 8 weeks.  My life has been a roller coaster ride.  It's not been living for me, taking care of me anymore, but gutlessly flip flopping and doing what won't rock the boat with those I'm around.

I haven't done an official weigh in for the past couple of weeks.  I'll weigh in on Thursday and give you guys the number.  If you don't see a post here, call me out on it.  I need it.  I need help to get back on track... 

It all boils down to me being willing to fight for me, though.


Anonymous said...

Oh, honey, I am sorry. :(

What is it with 5 year old boys? You know how there's all sorts of weight loss and weight loss pill commercials on during the day? Well, my dear, sweet, darling boy, in all his 5 year old wisdom, said "Mom, maybe you should try XYZ, it'll help you lose weight." I know that he was saying it with love and compassion, but it stung. It's been over 4 years and I still weigh the same. sigh

I'm proud of you girl for losing 20 pounds. And if you don't post on Thursday I am going to come hunt you down.... Mark my words.....


Mary said...

I'm so proud of you, always. You can do this. Five year old boys are rough, but they do have a tendency to point out all of our flaws. I grew up with a very overweight mom myself, and now that I have a few pounds to lose, it does bring up some childhood baggage that I didn't realize was hiding in there somewhere. Your feelings are normal.

Sarah Marie said...

You probably don't know me but I found your blog and I've been following it. Hope that doesn't freak you out. It's inspiring to me as a fellow weight-watcher who flip flops. So, I just had to weigh-in today to get back on target too. Where's your post? Maybe it's still early where you are. Hope those numbers don't scare you too much. Cyber hugs!

The Vuylsteke Family said...

Sending lots of hugs. I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan or anything, but I saw he had a weight-loss show on one day and I watched 10 minutes or so. He said one thing that just stuck with me; "Give up yo-yo dieting. Just do it once and get it over with. Then you'll be thin and never want to go back." So this is my last time trying this, because I KNOW I'm going to stick with it and get it done and over with. You with me?

And major kudos for losing 20 pounds!!! That is huge. Maybe you can take this experience to explain to your son what you're doing and let him help. Ask him to set a timer for you while you're on the treadmill. I'm sure he won't let you forget it. My son's not old enough, but my husband does stuff like that. If he's on me, it's harder for me to say no.