Saturday, September 6, 2008


Health is just as much a mental and emotional condition as it is physical.  I'm not really feeling healthy in either realm lately.

So, Becca, here's the cold, hard truth.

My mom and grandmother came about, what, 5 weeks ago?  Maybe 6?  The first days they were here I was a counting fool.  Then, I gave into their, "oh, come on" and "you have to live a little, and you only live once!"  Yeah.  So by the end of their visit, I hadn't counted points in a couple days.

I still haven't counted points for a whole day since.  It's heartbreaking.

In the midst of that, I don't know really what else has happened.  Perhaps it all goes hand-in-hand.  Emotionally, I was feeling FANTASTIC when I was eating well.  Not so much always feeling good about myself, but not moping and miserable.

The last few weeks have been hard.  I'm wallowing.  There is a nice pit here filled with loneliness, sadness, and indifference.  I'm so incredibly sad.  Truthfully.  I don't know if I need to get into the doctor and see about adjusting my Effexor, or what, but I'm having a hard time coping.  I do have triggers, though.  I have very real stressors in my life right now.  Another common denominator is money.  It's expensive trying to live on the economy here.  Produce is expensive, meat is ridiculous, not to mention milk and eggs.  That's not an excuse, it's a fact.  

You girls that know me pretty well know that for me to deal with things, I have to dump 'em all out there; sorry about that.  

I am not loving me much at all.  I told Roni on the phone last night that it's strange that I have so many friends that confide in me.  I told her I look a lot better on the computer screen.  I don't feel like I deserve things right now.  Please don't judge me, or think that I'm being overly dramatic.  I'm actually being brutally honest.  I don't have the energy lately to care about keeping tabs on the house.  I have been making bad food choices.  Very bad.  I'm not really eating out, but when Stuart comes home, so do sodas, candy, chips, and all the crap I wouldn't normally have in the house.  Since it's here, I'm eating it.  I am.  My face is broken out like crazy.  I have bags under my eyes from not sleeping well.  I have no energy at all.  

I haven't worked out in over a week.  I need to.  I miss it.  I just don't know how to do it.  It boils down to the fact that I just HAVE to do it.  I'm not entirely sure how, but I do.  

Thank you, friends, for not giving up on me.  The good news is I haven't gained an extravagant amount of weight.  I did, at my last weigh in, gain 1.5 lbs.  

I need some prayer, and I need some change.  Most of all, I need for me to get on the ball and get on my team.  I'm going to be making myself an outline with chores and kind of a timeline for the school days.  I will do it to pull myself out.  I don't like the me I am today.  I don't like the mom I'm being...uninvolved and withdrawn.  

Onward to health.  The search for me continues...


Roni said...

Have you seen "What about bob?" it's all about baby steps. One choice at a time. Don't fall prey to the negative domino effect. Just remember every choice is a new one!

I just want to give you a a big ole {{HUG}} I've been there.

Becca and Jason said...

Oh, sweetie... a big giant hug from up here in Kodiak. I don't know if there's anything I can do or say for your right now, other than to tell you that you'll go to the top of my prayer list today. I'm heartbroken to read your post, because I just want you to be strong and happy, and I just wish there was something I could do to fix it.
I hope putting it out there helps you, and I hope you'll tell someone (even me, from this far away!) if there's anything you need.
It's hard to stay on track - almost impossible when you aren't happy or even level. I know how that feels - I really and truly do. I thought I was going to stay stuck in my house (with the exception of going to work) for a good month or so last "spring" up here. It's such a lonely and terrible feeling. The good news is that you CAN break through it... sometimes it just takes time. And, for me, it took my friends reminding me that the sun would come back out (which was literally what I needed). Hopefully I can be that friend reminding you that there is a way back out - lean on the people who love you, lady. Tell them that you can't take all of theirs on right now, but you need to give some of yours away... they love you, so they'll do it.

You are in my prayers, tonight. You WILL be ok.

Rattrie Family said...

Amber, just remember it is hard to change your habits, but you have already shown that you can do it. You are such an insiration for what you have done already, its ok to go back a few steps. I understand your saddness and your black hole that you are in, but there is a way out. You are surrounded by great family and friends. And you are loved, just try to remember that. It never feels good to not like yourself, and that is something that I struggle with often, so I understand.

Keep your head up and be proud of how far you have already come!!


Just a Girl in a Port said...


Cirrus said...

Oh Amber, I love you. I hope you can do whatever you need to make you feel better about yourself. You are a wonderful, strong, amazing woman, and there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. Big hugs, my friend.