Monday, October 19, 2009

So what is my goal, really?

I say all the time that it's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy. In ways, it's completely true. I am more concerned with being around for a long time for my kids and husband, and really enjoying life than I am with the size of my jeans. In other ways, it's a total load of crap. I do care how much I weigh. If I didn't, I wouldn't post my progress every week. I wouldn't even check it every week. This post is about my health, though.

My close friends know that I've been to the doctor about my depression and anxiety level. My blood pressure was alarmingly high to have been on bp meds for a little while - 146/100. I left with a new prescription for a different blood pressure med, and some anti-anxiety medicine. My husband has been incredibly supportive, but I'm feeling very down right now. I am lacking hope, and the joy and zeal for life that I usually have. I'm disconnected from my husband and kids, emotionally, and from most others in every possible way.

If you haven't heard from me lately, please don't take it personally. I'm trying to work through this. I'm working on becoming healthy, and right now that means I need to focus on my mental and emotional health.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Don't look at this.

Seriously. I might cry if I know someone is reading this. BUT, to stay true to my blog, I have to post it. Unfortunately, the last 6 weeks have caught up with me. I thought I was going to escape it. I thought - somehow - the stress, bad food choices, and lack of exercise weren't going to show up on the scale.

My last weigh in was 184. Boy, was I proud of the track I was on. I am devastated to reveal that today my number is 196.5. I'm almost back to 200?! My calendar, the healthy living challenge with my husband? Dust collector. I am SO mad at myself. I'm disappointed. I'm furious.

In a lot of ways in life right now, I am feeling defeated. I don't know how to make life work right now. Sure I breathe and function, and I know that's all that being alive requires, but I want LIFE. I want to seize it, take advantage of it, enjoy it. Right now, I'm not, I haven't, I don't.

I wish I had a more uplifting post for you today, but it's just not in me. All I know to say is that today is a new day. The mistakes of yesterday do NOT have power to make today full of mistakes, too. In the end, the choice is mine. In the end, it's up to me.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


I worked out yesterday. I didn't use my blue resistance band, I used the green, because I was worried about the blue being too much for me. Apparently the green one was too much. I am feeling very frustrated about the physical results of my wreck. I am angry. I was paying attention. I was doing what I was supposed to. This other lady isn't paying attention and doesn't even get a freaking TICKET, much less is she still hurting over a month later.

I am and will always be grateful that we walked away from that wreck. It could have been much worse. In a time where I'm already feeling down, though, knowing that Pilates - the one exercise besides walking that my doc would approve for me - is making me hurt this badly, is very frustrating. VERY. My neck was really sore last night and today my poor hips, back, and knees are killing me.

I am going to rise above this. It will take time, and I just need to be patient. It is making it harder to resist wallowing in the carbohydrate-laden pity party of emotional eating, though.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Just so you know...

I just worked out for the first time since the wreck. 40 minutes of pilates.

Winds of change, and all that junk.


Thursday, October 1, 2009

Heavy sighs and rubbing thighs

It's Thursday! That means weigh in day. Today's number? 184. I think I remember seeing that some place before... OH, I know! Last week!

I'm feeling persnickety, grumpy, and just yucky. This whole week has been a wrong side of the bed week. I love that the weather is cooler in the morning, but I HATE that it is in the 80's by noon. I long for fall. I want to be outside, but I want my body to be able to stand it, not feel like I'm smothering! I'm experiencing PMS symptoms like crazy, which is neat considering I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I do still have my ovaries, hence the hormonal flux.

I'm stressed. Dealing (or trying not to deal and letting Stuart do it instead) with all the wreck stuff is repulsive. It has been a month, and I am still hurting, still afraid when I drive, still not sleeping through the night. The insurance of the lady that hit me is a nightmare, and both my insurance company and I are fed up with it.

I didn't work out this week, so my chart has been a dust collector, essentially. I know I could have lost a few pounds if I'd tried, but the truth is, I didn't. I didn't try. I am just blah right now. I feel like there is no time, like I am just a mom, like I am not a real human right now. I need for April to get here soon, so Stuart and I can take our trip. I need to feel like a woman. I want to feel sexy. I want to be confident - or at least want to be in public.

I feel a lot of negative rambling sneaking in, so I'm going to stop myself. Today is Oct. 1. September is officially over. It is time to move on from the sadness, loss, and negativity that the month brought. Time to move ahead.